Divorce Hotline

2011-07-14T00:16:00.000-04:00

After Same-Sex Marriage, Same-Sex Divorce

By CLYDE HABERMAN

It is worth pointing out that the two most prominent politicians in the successful campaign to legalize same-sex marriage in New York want nothing to do with marriage. For themselves, anyway.
Both of them, Gov. Andrew M. Cuomo and Mayor Michael R. Bloomberg, have generally treated matrimony as if it were the worst idea since the Edsel. Mr. Bloomberg is so disenchanted that he said soon after taking office in 2002 that he would abjure the mayoral right to officiate at weddings. (He bent that vow the following year to preside over the union of Judith Nathan and former Mayor Rudolph W. Giuliani, who believes so firmly in marriage that he has entered into it several times.)

The mayor and the governor, who marched front and center in a celebratory gay pride parade on Sunday, were each married once. Each was divorced — Mr. Bloomberg amicably from Susan Brown, Mr. Cuomo from Kerry Kennedy in a bruising parting that invited comparisons to roller derby. Each man has a longtime girlfriend, with neither relationship showing signs of being altar-bound anytime soon.
The fact that relatively few voters seem to care about those arrangements underlines how attitudes have changed, at least in New York, on the matter of who wakes up in the morning next to whom.

Still, the governor and the mayor stand as object lessons to gay men and lesbians contemplating marriage. Couples can, and do, break up. Just as city and town clerks anticipate a surge in applications for same-sex wedding licenses once the new law goes into effect in late July, and just as businesses like florists and caterers expect to benefit, divorce lawyers assume that, in time, they will have more clients.
“There’s a demographic pool that never existed before,” said Raoul Felder, the prominent divorce lawyer. Mr. Felder said this not with hands-rubbed-together glee but, rather, as statement of reality. A colleague in his Manhattan law firm, Bettina D. Hindin, had her own sober assessment. “I may be a divorce lawyer,” Ms. Hindin said, “but I don’t hope for the demise of marriages.” All the same, she added, “in coming weeks we’re going to be reading and parsing through everything” to understand the new law’s implications for divorce.
Several matrimonial lawyers said in interviews that broadly speaking, the rules should be the same for same-sex and opposite-sex couples. But there could be complications.
Let’s suppose, Ms. Hindin said, that one woman in a lesbian marriage has a baby, through whatever means. If the other woman does not legally adopt the child, there may be questions about her rights and obligations to that child should the marriage end.
Where to get divorced is another issue, one that has already arisen in other states where marriage equality exists. If a gay couple marry in New York, then move to a state that forbids such unions, they may find they are unable to divorce in that state, the reasoning there being: How can we dissolve a marriage that we never recognized in the first place?

Another New York divorce lawyer, Stephen I. Silberfein, anticipated a “rush” by gay couples to get prenuptial or postnuptial agreements, to spell out what had belonged to whom, given that “none of it was shared marital property.” Palimony — not a word often heard these days — could also be an issue. It’s conceivable, Mr. Silberfein said, that if a longtime relationship breaks up, one party may say: “We were partners for 30 years. I deserve to share in what was there before we were married.”
Then again, the fact that plenty of gay couples have already been together for years suggests to some lawyers that divorce may not be a dominant issue.

“A lot of divorces occur because people didn’t know each other that well,” said one divorce lawyer, who had reasons to have his request for anonymity honored. “A lot of gay couples have been together for a lot longer than straight couples before they get married. They’re less likely to get divorced, because they know each other better.”

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2011-05-16T12:07:00.000-04:00

Bad Law and Bad Judges

A North Carolina judge has ruled that Alaina Giordano's estranged husband will be the primary caregiver of their children because the young mother has breast cancer. She was diagnosed in December 2007.

According to Giordano her husband moved to Chicago last year to work leaving the children with her. The couple then moved onto a messy divorce. There were allegations of abuse and cheating but it's the role of cancer that has many rallying around the mother.
The judge did say that if Giordano moves to Chicago where her husband now resides she would grant joint custody. That would make sense in other situations perhaps but Giordano's team of doctors is in Durham, North Carolina at Duke University, one of the nation's top cancer treatment centres. Making a move at this stage of her disease could be life-threatening.

Father Kane Snyder, 37, sought full custody after the break up of the couple's marriage. The Durham County Family Court judge listened to a forensic psychologist Dr. Helen Brantley in the case who said that the children should reside with their father because of the ‘deteriorating condition of the mother’s health’ reports the Daily Mail.

2011-04-04T15:32:00.000-04:00

Cheating Spouses and Facebook

Would you be surprised to discover that at least 80 percent of divorce lawyers polled for a recent survey said they used Facebook and other social sites to catch a cheating spouse or discover online activities that could affect a divorce? They have even provided the evidence in court to help win custody battles, obtain more child support, and make sure their clients come out ahead in divorce wars.

The survey was conducted by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers and Facebook was used to gain the lion’s share of evidence a whopping 66 percent of the time. There is even a website devoted to this: see Facebook Cheating.
To catch a cheating spouse on Facebook, clients and divorce lawyers may work together. Sometimes divorce lawyers even get a client’s help to catch a unfaithful spouse on Facebook. You can sometimes use these same tactics before you make that first visit to your lawyer’s office. Armed with the information, you’ll save some money over paying a lawyer or private investigator to track down your cheating spouse.

Understandably so, you might feel very uncomfortable spying on a spouse. But if you have decided to divorce and strongly suspect or already know your spouse is having an affair, having proof can make a huge difference in court. Photos, online messages, and other evidence gathered from Facebook can be hard to dispute.

Remember, people have won case after case by using this evidence and the majority of divorce lawyers use Facebook more than any other site to catch a spouse who is having an affair or engaging in activities that could affect finances and custody rights during a divorce.
Divorce wars can get very ugly. To protect yourself, you’ll want to be vigilant and make sure your Facebook account and other online information is safe from the eyes of your spouse’s divorce lawyer. The safest course may be to temporarily delete any accounts, even if you aren’t doing anything wrong.

So exactly how do divorce lawyers catch unfaithful spouses on Facebook? Turns out it may not be that hard.

Divorce lawyers catch a cheating spouse by looking at Facebook photos -and you may be able to do the same thing
While it may be hard to believe that anyone about to go through a divorce would be dense enough to leave compromising photos on Facebook, an astounding number of husbands and wives do exactly that. If they haven’t accepted a friend invitation from their spouses or they have unfriended their spouses, they may mistakenly believe they are safe.
So a soon to be ex-spouse may go ahead and post photos where he or she is shown drinking, partying, and even kissing a new lover. If the spouse has been lying about this, attorneys can use that evidence. Divorce lawyers can usually find ways to get to those Facebook photos to catch a deceptive spouse – but so can you.
You can enlist the help of a friend, good neighbor, or distant relative to sign onto Facebook and friend your spouse. Obviously, you want to use someone your spouse doesn’t know. If that person adds your spouse as a friend, access to photos is available. Bingo!
Just like that, compromising photos can pop up. Photos don’t necessarily have to show a new lover. If your spouse has lied about using drugs or engaging in other dangerous behavior, photos that show alcohol being chugged can reveal the truth.
To catch a cheating spouse on Facebook, divorce lawyers look at posted messages and updates
Again, some spouses just don’t play it safe on Facebook. They list their status as single and then proceed to brag about going on romantic vacations with new lovers. They tell their spouses that they are going on business trips and then take off for romantic rendezvouses.
They write about how drunk they got every weekend. These kinds of messages don’t sit well with some judges. Sometimes a spouse forgets to log out of a Facebook account and gets caught when a soon to be ex-partner sees the compromising messages.
A cheating spouse may be lying about more than fidelity. During a divorce, child support and custody are often at stake. If your spouse pleads a lack of money but shows off expensive items like jewelry, boats and luxury cars on Facebook, it is hard to make a case for having financial difficulties. That can affect how much child support you receive – or have to pay.
These are just a few of the methods divorce lawyers use to catch a cheating spouse. Sometimes you can try the same tactics. Is it fair? It is hard for many spouses who are lying about having lovers or a lack of funds to make a case for fairness when they aren’t telling the truth.
Divorce lawyers can and will use Facebook to find damaging information which can help bolster divorce cases – and you’ll pay for every cent of that time if you are among the lawyer’s clients.. Of course, you may feel more comfortable letting your lawyer do the investigating, especially if these tactics seem unethical or make you feel guilty. That’s a judgment call. But at least you’ll know some of the techniques that may be used to catch a cheating spouse.

Source: Big Surge in Social Networking Evidence Says Survey of Nation’s Top Divorce

2011-03-29T08:39:00.000-04:00

Facebook: Bad News for Bigamists

Richard Leon Barton Jr., who I knew right away was in trouble because the report used all three of his names, was charged with polygamy recently after his first wife learned he had another one and reported him to the police. She had become suspicious after he "de-friended" her on Facebook - de-friending a significant other is rarely going to turn out well - and a few months later a Facebook search turned up pictures of him getting married to somebody else. At that point, she said, "I put two and two together."
Barton, at least, had not posted these pictures himself, which makes him one IQ point smarter than the Australian guy who personally sent his second-wedding photos to his local newspaper, despite the fact that his current wife lived in the same town. See "Wedding Photo Tips for Bigamists," Lowering the Bar (May 4, 2010). Barton's problem was that he had no way to keep other people from posting his second-wedding photos (other than not having a second wedding in the first place), given that he probably didn't want to tell them he was committing a felony; and Facebook then made it easy for Wife No. 1 to find those photos even though she lived somewhere else. As the prior story shows, old media can cause problems for bigamists, too, but new media can spill the beans much more quickly.

Barton and his first wife had discussed getting a divorce (partly because he had been in prison for years), but he never got around to taking care of that. Police speculated at first that Barton couldn't afford a divorce, but that seems to be one of the few excuses he hasn't made. "I let love get in the way," he said last week, in what I assume was both a bid for sympathy and something he had just heard on his car radio. ("I needed more wind beneath my wings," he might have said had he been tuned to a different station.)

Barton was charged with "polygamy" although he seems to have had just the two wives, which in most states would be called "bigamy." Michigan's anti-multiple-spouse law makes it "polygamy" to have two or more spouses, which is grammatically wrong but avoids the need to have separate statutes for bigamy and polygamy, I suppose. Mich. Comp. Laws § 750.439. I considered whether Michigan might be taking the view that as soon as someone marries a second spouse, there are three "spouses" in the mix and so "poly" is accurate, but that doesn't work. What you've got there, normally, is two monogamists with a bigamist in the middle, not three polygamists. Michigan can call the offense whatever it wants, I guess, but why not make it accurate?

They need to amend this thing anyway, frankly. The law provides that a person is not guilty of polygamy if they had "good reason" to believe the prior spouse to be dead, and also makes an exception for "any person whose husband or wife shall have voluntarily remained beyond the sea, or shall have voluntarily withdrawn from the other and remained absent for the space of five years" if the person doesn't know whether the spouse is still living. This is one of those situations where commas matter, because as written I think you could get remarried anytime your spouse doesn't come back immediately from a trip overseas - the five-year rule doesn't apply.

I am not advising you to test that interpretation, just noting that's what it says.

---courtesy of Lowering the Bar

2010-09-19T08:59:00.001-04:00

October 12.....

When the new No Fault law kicks in on October 12th there will be rejoicing in the streets.....NOT. The new law has come out for those practitioners to review and it is filled with ambiguity and rules open to some pretty intense interpretation. As it stands now judges on the bench don't always agree with the ways in which equitable distribution is plays out in their courtroom and that law has been in effect since 1985. It will be foolish to think that this new law with all its bells and whistles will have a shot of being the effective tool which would speed divorces along in the system it is being touted to be.

Everything will need to be tested. All aspects of it will be challenged. The only good news is that Fault will be one less thing which will be litigated, but it will not be replaces by a more convoluted maintenance system...formally known as alimony.

Maybe more attorneys will get paid for their services, that would be a good thing. Or maybe we will just have more judgements out there against litigants who still can't pay....that would be a horrible thing.

Change is always scary and litigants and no one can predict with any great accuracy to a litigant where they will fall under this new law. To be sure it tends to favor the non monied spouse, but since the one with the money usually possess most of the power, I am reluctant to say that without funds a litigant will be on equal footing with a partner who has access to funds.

It's been a busy fall as usual, relationships that have held together during the summer vacation times are apt to come apart once the routines of school and life settle upon them again.

We will work through this process as we work through everything else, and those who are miserable should not be deterred from trying to give themselves a better life. As miserable as divorce litigation is, the alternative is much worse. Quality of life must be weighed...and a decision must be made based not on the new laws that are out there but on the value one places on peace, and happiness....life really is short....can I interest you in a cheeseburger in paradise?

2010-08-18T08:25:00.002-04:00

GAME ON!

The Governor has signed the new No Fault bill and now on October 12, 2010 the bill we all fear will change the face of matrimonial practice will be law.

What does it mean? Isn't No Fault a good thing?

Yes the no fault provision is a good thing and it is finally time that the legislature passed this very civil way of ending divorce lititgation. However, the two main lobby groups who opposed No Fault all these years screamed that the non-monied spouse will no longer have any leverage in a divorce battle if No Fault is taken off the table. Hence the geniuses who drafted the bill sought to equalize the playing field by now imposing a brand new set of guidelines...(not really guidelines....but requirements) imposed upon the litigants and the judges rules which need to be followed for maintenance (aka alimony) and attorneys fees.

Wherein under the old laws both of these items were negotiable and discretionary with the judge, the law now requires judges to follow the state mandated guidelines without input much the same way child support is now handled.

While these lobbiest's cheer and applaud what they fail to take into account that those with the cash will now fight even harder and longer and in the end may wind up not agreeing to anything....sure they will pay...but most of the litigation will suck up the marital assets because at least here on Long Island there aren't a lot of millionaires getting divorced. Most couples own a home, have a pension and if they are lucky a small savings. All are subject to loss in a lengthy litigation.

So congratulations NOW. Congratulations the Catholic Council...you certainly have succeeded in getting your voices heard. Let's see how long it takes the litigants involved to now turn on you for your short sightedness.....Once upon a time there was a council put together of matrimonial attorneys who gave their opinion to the then head judge Judith Kaye on how to reform divorce litigation in NY. She listened and then ignored their advice....then it went to the politicians to fix and we all know what happens when the government attempts to regulate anything......so let the games begin.

2010-07-18T11:53:00.002-04:00

No Rejoicing Over No Fault Law

While it made big news in most social circles those of us in the matrimonial field are less than thrilled with the No Fault Statute as presently written. Instead of moving us ahead as the no fault law was intended, there are a number of attached provision meant to clearly stymie the process and make it even more costly.

When the 1985 Equitable Distribution law was enacted the issue of spousal support formerly known as Alimony now referred to as Maintenance was overhauled. The lifetime provisions were slowly done away with in favor a a more gradual support model meant to encourage rehabilitation and offer the non- monied spouse a chance to get on their feet and eventually support themselves. Assets were more evenly divided and child support later in the 90's was amended to a statutory amount which was praised by all those involved. While taking one step forward in the divorce wars, by eliminating the need to prove fault, the legislature in its infinite wisdom has decided to up the ante on the Maintenance model making it a similar provision to that of child support and taking judicial discretion almost completely out of the mix and drafting stringent guidelines in some cases re-instituting the old lifetime maintenance awards of years past.

While some will rejoice at this notion, most will not realize the onset of litigation that will ensure to fight these measures and in fact eliminate the very hope of streamlining divorce by making it even more of a contentious battle than it was before.

When one spouse is automatically given a carte blanche award regardless of the circumstances and based only on the length of the marriage it will of course make the monied spouse more apt to fight the divorce and raise the cost of litigation on both sides. Attorneys fees are also addressed in this bill, but again the provisions are muddied in how and when these costs should or will be paid. It will be quite a while before the kinks in this law are worked out but the one thing that is certain, divorce will become just a little more complicated....right after the Governor signs the bill.

2010-06-14T11:06:00.000-04:00

No Fault Divorce in NY? The Time Has Come

The NY State Assembly is trying yet again to bring the concept of "No Fault" Divorce to this state.

The bill entitled: "No Faul" divorce legislation, is set forth in Senate Bill S-3890-A, sponsored by Senator Hassell-Thompson and Assembly Bill A-9753, sponsored by Assemblyman Bing.

The current law, which requires a spouse to prove adultery, abandonment or cruel and inhuman treatment in order to obtain a divorce, has forced spouses into costly and lengthy court battles, where their children often are emotionally damaged by the crossfire. This bill would permit either spouse to obtain a divorce upon a sworn statement that there has been an irretrievable breakdown in the marriage for at least six months.

This bill would not permit "Divorce on Demand" because the divorce judgment could only be granted after custody and the financial issues have been resolved or determined.
The enactment of this NO FAULT divorce bill would not prevent a spouse from presenting facts of domestic violence or other egregious fault in matters relating to custody, child support, spousal maintenance or equitable distribution.
New York is the only state requiring the court's finding of fault unless both spouses live separate and apart for one year after they have signed a written separation agreement or stipulation resolving custody and their financial issues. This requirement has a disproportionately negative impact on custodial parents, who may not be permitted to relocate with the children to a neighboring state to obtain a "no fault" divorce. Similarly, the non-monied spouse often cannot afford to relocate. In sharp contrast, the noncustodial parent and/or monied spouse can move to a neighboring state, such as Connecticut, and immediately commence a "no fault" divorce action.
Thus, the current law has a Draconian impact on victims of domestic violence who will not leave New York State without their children and who cannot afford to move or to litigate fault.

For too long, families have been financially and emotionally devastated by one spouse's refusal to give up "control" by consenting to a divorce. The time is now to enact the Hassell-Thompson/Bing No Fault Divorce bill.

2010-06-07T07:20:00.000-04:00

Facebook Warning Again

For the last two years I've been warning my clients about the dangers of the so called social network media on the internet. It started with myspace and advanced to facebook and twitter. For some reason people feel if they write in the privacy of their own homes, no one can really see its them or associate what they have written to them. WRONG.

While I have been arguing with clients about photos that have been attached to orders to show cause on a regular basis the main stream media has not caught up and perhaps someone will listen now. See CNN.

Get off facebook if you are in the middle of a divorce proceeding or contemplating one....or at least watch carefully what you post and realize if you let it loose out there in the world of cyberspace someone can and will find it and use it against you.

2010-05-16T08:21:00.000-04:00

You Can Keep Trying But NY Will Not Recognize Non Marital Promises To Support

When Fabien Baron promised to care for Malin Ericson, for the rest of her life even if they ever broke up without the benefit of a wedding ring, Malin should have checked with her lawyer before believing her man.
The promises to support his girlfriend if they ever broke up are unenforceable. The girlfriend is not entitled to “equitable distribution” of the assets acquired during the relationship.

Justice Ellen Gesmer ruled that such statements as "I will always take care of you" and "everything that we put in, we will enjoy together" do not constitute legally binding promises.
"Indeed, even if [the defendant] had made an explicit promise that, upon separation, [the plaintiff] would be entitled to 'equitable distribution' of their assets, it would be unenforceable, as it would be contrary to the long-standing law and policy in New York that unmarried partners are not entitled to the same property and financial rights upon termination of the relationship as married people," Justice Gesmer wrote in Ericson v. Baron.
Without a marriage there is no basis for a claim of support. Judge Gesmer noted that “Unless and until the law imposes equitable distribution on unmarried couples, in New York, as least, the legal status of marriage remains vitally important to establishing the economic rights of members of a couple."

2010-05-05T11:17:00.000-04:00

Sorry not warm and fuzzy.....

Let's be clear that when you enter the office of a divorce lawyer you enter the lair of the lion. A divorce attorney is not a therapist and usually is not very good at warm and fuzzy. My advice is not usually tainted with niceties and sugar plums, I speak from the gut and tell it exactly like it is...no holds barred.

Yes, it can be frightening to hear the truth about your marital situation, but why would you want it any other way? There are divorce attorneys who promise their clients the world and fill their head with unreasonable expectations which cannot be achieved, but they make their clients feel good. Unrealistically, feel good but feel good none the less. Until the divorce is done, then the attorneys blame the judge, their adversary, the unfairness of the law, everyone but themselves because after all they made everyone feel good, all along the way.

When you come in to see me expect to get the truth, the good the bad and the ugly. Be prepared to listen to my advice and act upon it in the manner in which I request. Follow my advice to the letter and you will be successful. You will move on with your life and be a productive member of society a the end of your divorce. If however, your desire is to feel good about it all along the way, then make sure you have a therapist on retainer as well. They do warm and fuzzy....I do not.

2010-04-30T07:50:00.000-04:00

Facebook Blamed for Increased Divorce Rate

Ok, here is a newsflash for you all, facebook is being blamed for an increase in the divorce rate not only in NY but all over the country. Let's examine the reasons why. the explosion in the popularity of websites such as Facebook is tempting to people to cheat on their partners. The most common reason seemed to be people having inappropriate sexual chats with people they were not supposed to.

Flirty emails and messages found on Facebook pages are increasingly being cited as evidence of unreasonable behaviour.

Hooking up with old friends, old boyfriends and girlfriends and igniting old flames that before would never have been found. There is no doubt that Facebook can and is sometimes used as an electronic singles bar, the perfect place to find Mister or Miss Right or "Right for Now." There are plenty of positives about the site, of course. Facebook is great for keeping in touch with friends, relatives and former co-workers. It is neither good nor evil, but it does create the illusion of intimacy that entices the lonely and depressed to log in for hours at a time.

As I have said time and time again...be careful what you write on facebook, it can and often does come back to haunt you.....

2010-04-20T12:03:00.001-04:00

You Thought NY was Tough? Here's what is happening in other jurisdictions.....

A controversial bill to mandate that a child in a divorce spend equal time with father and mother was resurrected Tuesday in Tennessee’s House of Representatives. Representative Mike Bell wants a new law that says when a couple divorces, father and mother would have equal time with the children. Bell doesn’t like what he says is the “standard plan” – a father gets his kids for a weekend every two weeks, and for two weeks in the summer.

Bell and his backers, mostly unhappy fathers, were upset when the “equal time” language was crossed out and “equal opportunity” written in by members of the House Children and Family Affairs Committee. Last week Bell yanked the bill out of play. But this week he went back to the committee and accepted the compromise.

Meanwhile in Los Angeles.....

A judge has ruled that a father may take his 3-year-old daughter to Mass even though her mother is raising her Jewish. A Cook County Judge said this week that the father may take his daughter to "church services during his visitation time if he so chooses" and that he have visitation rights every Christmas and Easter. Likewise, the order stipulated that the mother always have their daughter on Rosh Hashana, Yom Kippur and Passover.

The judge refused to bar the father from taking his daughter to church as long as no evidence exists that it would harm the child. Although the mother said that contrary religious teachings could confuse the preschooler, the judge avoided doctrinal questions, saying it was not the court's place "to focus on or attempt to interpret or judge official religious doctrines."

And in Texas........

The state of Texas,says a union granted in a state where same-sex marriage is legal can't be dissolved with a divorce in a state where it's not.

A judge in Austin granted a divorce for two women, but Texas Attorney General Greg Abbott is appealing the decision. He also is appealing a divorce granted to a gay couple in Dallas, saying protecting the "traditional definition of marriage" means doing the same for divorce. A state appeals court is scheduled to hear arguments in the Dallas case .

2010-04-08T15:49:00.000-04:00

Hot Dogs, Sandals, and the Mets

Spring has finally arrived and with it the freedom from boots, socks, shoes and all other manner of strangulation which my feet have endured all winter long. I will shortly be looking for my "formal" court sandals so that I do not flip flop my way down the hallowed corridors of the matrimonial world but instead stylishly express my love of the seasons with a new summer wardrobe and a fresh pedicure.

What about hot dogs? Well I hear they have good ones at the new Citi Field. The Mets are one and one so far , not a great start but as I start every baseball season with Tug McGraw's mantra of "You gotta believe." I find it also fits as a life saying especially to those in the minefield of divorce American style.

As a client you gotta believe that some justice will be served as you enter the court house right? Not necessarily I burst the bubble of each optimistic client. My power suit and heels can only go so far, if the facts and circumstances fail to support my arguements even if passsionately delivered.

What tends to happen in the spring? People fall in love. Not necessarily with their own spouse, mind you. Maybe with someone else's maybe with some one new. My job is to accompany them on their journey to end the failed relationship. I hold the door open so they can advance into their future. Wish I could help the Mets....hey you gotta believe.

2010-03-27T08:21:00.000-04:00

Staying Married for All the Wrong Reasons
A potential client came in the other day asking about a Legal Separation. This young woman was convinced her husband who didn't want a divorce would agree to a legal separation. I asked her what her ultimate goal actually was because a legal separation meant she was still married. She was infatic that the marriage was over but that she didn't want to "hurt" her husband any more and thought a legal separation would be a good middle ground to get him "used" to the idea of living separate and apart and that a year down the road the divorce would go through without a hitch. Nice idea I said to her, but rather selfish don't you think? I asked her. "How is it selfish?" she asked. Well I said, do you have any wish to save this marriage? "No", she said. Do you intend to go on with your life and pursue other love interests once you are separated? "Of course" she said. Well then why in the world would you be so mean to your husband making him think that a chance exists that you will get back together when you know that you never will?

"Because.." she said "he won't fight if he thinks there is a chance that we will get back together and once we are separated I can get an uncontested divorce a year later." Wow, wow, wow. Now I needed to explain to her that a legal separation was not a done deal, and if in fact after a year if she wanted to get divorced it was yet another legal proceeding and many many times(more than I care to think about) the issues in the legal separation can and sometimes are re-litigated or at least re-negotiated because since it is not a "done deal" so to speak if one party says circumstances have changed we need to change things. There is also the issue of ..... by the way I am not as happy with my life as you seem to be..... so lets rumble.

Who needs to fight this twice?? The best advice is to be honest with your spouse. Yes it will cause some pain, but they will get over it and it will force them to move on with their life sooner. Unfortunately in most relationships, both parties are never at the same place at the same time when it comes to ending it. The pain will go away, the spouse who wants the marriage over will eventually get over the guilt and life will go on.

Staying in an unhappy marriage is not healthy for either party and not fair to either party. Everyone deserves to be happy, really happy. There is someone for everyone out there. It make take 30 or 40 years before you find him or her and a lifetime of failed marriages or relationships, but as long as there is breath in your body love can be found.

2010-03-17T14:30:00.000-04:00

Divorce---Never Mind

It is always apparant when we approach Spring because litigants become different people. The angry hostile individuals who braved it through a rough winter seemingly become softer and more plyable as we approach the warmth of Spring and the heat of Summer. As a young man's fancy may turn to love, so may the feelings of the women as they decide whether or not to continue with the actions of divorce and try reconcilliation yet again, or perhaps be more reasonable in exchange for a quick exit from a disasterous marriage.

As we learned today from MSN one of the 7 reasons individuals have strokes is because they are unhappy and specifically unhappy in their marriages. What better reason to get a divorce than in order to avoid a stroke?? Seriously, the warmth and light of the sun may make the depression about their lives and their marriages less dier and cause an individual to think twice about their life choices.

MSNBC.Com also informs us today that couples who live together eventually tie the knot within 2 of 5 years of their co-habitation and that the divorce rate of couples who co-habitate before marriage have virtually the same rate of divorce as those who do not live together before marriage.

Americans still love marriage,” said Andrew Cherlin, a Johns Hopkins University sociologist and author of “The Marriage-Go-Round: The State of Marriage and Family in America Today.” “They still think marriage is a first class way to live your personal life, but they are reluctant to marry until they think they have their lives in order.

So whether it is to try it all again or move to another more rewarding relationship, it is apparant that Spring is for new beginnings.

2010-03-11T11:09:00.000-05:00

Defying the Stereotype

In her book Divorce Sucks, Mary Jo Eustace challenges the divorcee to debunk the hurtful stereotypes of divorced people. Writes Eustace: "Our marriages didn't work, so people assume we don't quite work. And this is why it's very important for those of us who have survived the hell of divorce to start redefining what the landscape of the divorced woman [or man] can look like. People can have us over for dinner, even a couple's dinner party, and we promise we won't seduce anyone's husband or dance on the table, expressing ourselves through modern movement and our ability to do the splits."

As funny as this sounds those who have been through a divorce can attest to the fact that they are ostracized from certain family and friends and in fact some couples feel a divorce is "catching." Hoping to avoid this epidemic they opt to exclude the now single friend , however, I do believe that men suffer this considerably less than women.

Married couples are apt to try to "fix" up the newly single man while the single woman is seen as a threat to every married couple in sight.

A recent study published in the Journal of Health and Social Behavior suggests that divorced or widowed people have 20 percent more chronic health conditions such as heart disease, diabetes or cancer than married people.
Another study in Psychological Science claimed that a person's happiness level drops as she approaches divorce, although there is rebounding over time if the person works at it.

With Divorce being discribed as the second most stressful life event, preceded only by the death of a spouse it is no wonder depression can is a very serious concern to those in the midst of this life crisis.

2010-03-03T07:51:00.000-05:00

Is Therapy the Answer?

Bad marriage, trouble teens, abusive relationship..off to therapy. We tend to send our troubles off to a therapist as if it is the magic solution that will make all of our worries disappear. What can therapy actually do for us however? Watching Dr. Phil yesterday, there was a father and daughter who were estranged because the father had given money to his son and had not given any money to his daughter. The daughter was angry at her Dad for using up what she considered to be her "inheritance" on her brother. Dr. Phil as usual kept trying to get her to tell him the real reason she was angry with Dad since she continually insisted it wasn't about the money.
Ironically an attorney was called in to explain that Dad's money was Dad's money and he was free to do with it what he wanted. an "inheritance" does not become an inheritance until after ones death. Bascially this lawyer was telling the daughter she had no rights to Dad's cash while he was alive and couldn't tell him how to spend it.
Did Dr. Phil need to get involved in that arguement? Was therapy the answer here? NO. This young woman had an entitlement mentality which in this climate is not unusual and caused her to completely disown her own father because of rights she perceived she had which were being violated.
This woman didn't need therapy, she need a smack! The lawyer verbally did just that as Dr. Phil stood there applauding.

Sometimes therapy alone is not the answer, but a good dose of reality can be. The troubled teen who goes to jail for a day to see what their life will be like if they don't straighten up. Maybe the couple in the bad marriage simple need a break from one another for a while to learn to appreciate what they have. While I am not knocking the use of therapy in these matter, sometimes another approach is not the worst thing. We set ourselves up for failure if we believe all of our worries can be cured with 40 minute sessions once a week. Sometimes we need to look at other avenues in order to improve our lives.

2010-02-22T13:05:00.001-05:00

New Internet Scam

A new internet scam has targeted lawyers and I have received this email at least 3 times over the course of the last few months. The sender seeks to retain the lawyer to collect funds owed under the terms of a collaborative divorce settlement. Most of the ones have the faux client claiming to be in Japan, or in one case England. It is my understanding that at least one California lawyer took the bait. The faux client wired funds to the lawyer, then seeks a refund, and after the refund is made the original wire transfer is reversed.

2010-02-13T12:53:00.001-05:00

Seperate vacations a good idea for married couples

Vacations are a time to get away from daily routines for relaxation and fun Many couples plan vacations together. But what happens when one person wants to go on a cruise and the other person wants to ski? Does one person give in and give up the vacation he has been dreaming about and saving for since last year? Or, should couples take separate vacations?

Experts say in most cases separate vacations are definitely a good idea for couples.
If you are freshly engaged or newly married, it may seem difficult to imagine time when you’d want to take a separate vacation from your partner. But the time may come when doing just that will turn out to be a great thing for your relationship.

Susan Schwartz, a CanWest reporter, writes about this in her article “Spouses go separate vacation ways“. She states, according to Betty Goldwarg, who is a Montreal psychotherapist, travelling independently can help partners to grow individually and as a couple. Schwartz goes on to say taking a trip, however long or short, without one’s partner means seeing a place from a different perspective than you would together — and returning home with stories to tell.

Separate vacations are a good idea as long as the relationship is on stable footing. As Schwartz says, solo vacations can work, as long as the couple has a committed relationship that is healthy and sound. She refers to psychologist Marla Yanofsky who notes “If there is a strength in the couple, it can be seen as a healthy thing — that there is independence.” If all a couple takes is separate vacations or if one person resents the other person taking off on their own, then there could be a problem.

2010-02-09T07:37:00.001-05:00

SAME SEX COUPLES CAN DIVORCE IN NY

While NY does not allow same sex couples to wed within the state NY does recognize marriages that are performed out of state as long as there is no NY law prohibiting the marriage and it is not against public policy. Since New York Courts recognize out of stae same sex marriages the courts will grant divorces to those couples residing in New York. The courts have determined that they have subject matter jurisdiction to grant divorces where parties were married in a state that permitted same sex marriag and the parties meet the New York residency requirements. Only in February 2008 was this first handed down in Beth R. vs. Donna M. In this case the defendant argued that the divorce action should be dismissed because New York did not recognize gay marriages and therefore could not grant a divorce. The court denied the motion to dismiss on grounds that New York recognizes marriages that are legal where contracted unless the marriage is "prohibited by a positive law of this state" or is against public policy, which has been narrowly construed as polygamy or incest. The court further decided visitation and custody issues ruling that even though one spouse was not a biological parent to the children, it was in the children's best interest that custody visitation and support be considered for both of the parties.

2010-02-03T08:24:00.000-05:00

Divorce when one spouse is not in this Country
Jurisdiction for divorce cases rests with each party therefore either party can bring a divorce action in the jurisdiction in which they reside. That means that if one party resides in another state or even another country that the law in every state will recognize a divorce granted by that jurisdiction.

The only requirement being that the party not in residence be served personally. If personal service is not acheived then the court must fashion a remedy such a proper publication in order to try get notice to the party and some proof of a "due diligence" effort to locate the other spouse. This can be acheived by contacting a private investigator and getting him to run a full array of searches.

Division of property and custody and visitation issues may in fact be a little trickier if one party contests the divorce. Most times if a spouse has established a residence along with the children for at least a six month period that spouse may ask that their home state be considered the jurisdictional venue for all matters involving custody and visitation. It is then a battle of the states do decide which venue is proper for a decision in that regard.

All states however, will recognize a foreign divorce decree whether it was obtained outside the United States or within a different state.

2010-01-29T08:01:00.000-05:00

When the Judges are the Scariest Part of the Job

Last night during our "date night" my husband decided to tell me one of the reasons he loved our country. He decided to relay this information to me after I had imparted to him the details of my day. It was overall a rather good day and in my world this warrants bright discussion and celebration. When I got to a rough patch involving some new jurists that had now entered the field of matrimonial law I explained that I was less than ecstatic with the thought of having to explain the entire world of matrimonial law each time I entered the chambers.
This is where my husband declared our country to be his beloved. You see he explained we need to give this kind of power to someone, and we the people decide who to give it to. Then if we are unhappy with how that power is used, we can take it away. This of course is a very rational and sound way of thinking about our system of government, however in terms of the judiciary branch it takes some time before we can change our minds about jurists. A supreme court judge in our state serves a 14 year term. That is an awful long time to be unhappy with the way a particular individual handles the power given to them.
Mulling this over he shook his head and declared that he agreed but asked about the alternatives as far as dealing with my situation. Without blinking an eye I indicated that my adversary and I had reached an accord on this right away.....we would settle the case. As difficult as our clients were, the thought of putting them up on the stand to be judged in this forum was suicidal for us all. Now we just have to convince our clients that it is time to move on with their lives.

2010-01-24T10:25:00.001-05:00

I've Never Done This Before.........

Walking into an attorneys office to discuss the termination of ones marriage to some people is the equivalent of getting dental surgery without pain medication. Believe me, I do understand just walking through the door is sometimes a very difficult decision.

Unless however, you are walking into an attorney who is counsel to the "stars" most clients entering into any attorneys office chances are, will be dealing with their first divorce. Sure there are clients who come in and say that they have been married before, but most will also say the circumstances were quite different so in effect each time is like a first.

Asking questions and getting information is the reason you have chosen to enter my office in the first place. You should never feel ashamed or embarassed by the questions that you ask. The only thing you should feel embarassed about saying is "I've never done this before" or "This is my first divorce." These unnecessary statements meant to mask what you perceive as your ignorance regarding the law is something most lawyers will just want to roll their eyes about.
Of course you don't know the law, you aren't meant to, that is why you are in our office in the first place. There is no need for you to make excuses for your questions. This is not a test, where you pass or fail based on your knowledge or lack of same. None of my clients are "experts" at divorce. I am the only expert...if you will:)
So my first piece of advice to clients. Do not apologize for what you don't know. Embrace the fact that you are seeking information and knowledge and soak it up like a sponge. Feel comfortable with the lawyer you ultimately choice and then let him or her do her job. Afterall....I have done this before...

2010-01-17T09:33:00.002-05:00

Ask The Divorce Guy!

Ok, now this is rich. Dealing with neophite attorneys who enter the field of matrimonial law thinking they can cut their teeth while ruining peoples lives is not enough to deal with, now we have to contend with tThe Divorce Guy. Who is the divorce guy ? According to his website: Ask The Divorce Guy

He is not a divorce attorney, expert or professional of any kind. He has not received any training in regards to divorce other than he has experienced a divorce himself. Asking him a question is like asking a friend a question.

This guys biggest claim to fame is that he has talked to thousands of people contemplating divorce, going through divorce, or the chaos afterwards and gives referrals, support, and friendly advice. He resides in Nevada, the state with the highest divorce rate in the US.

GIVE ME A BREAK!!!! Now I know anyone can write a blog and give advice and it is actually very responsible of this guy to let everyone know he has no knowledge of anything other than his own experience and the fact that he lives in Nevada, (which I haven't yet checked to see if his claim of it having the hightest divorce rate in the US is indeed accurate).

What is it that this guy dispenses? Common sense. He directs individuals to websites and books that can help them but he really is walking the tightrope in trying not to dispense legal advice which we all know is illegal for anyone who is not a licensed legal practicionner to do.

Why is this guy popular? He is free and he is easily accessible on the internet. Just be careful, most attorneys will dispense free legal advice during a consultation. It might be worth your while to get up from behind the computer and seek one out.

PS...I checked it out as of March 2009 Nevada did indeed have the highest divorce rate in the country....

2010-01-12T09:58:00.001-05:00

Dr. Phil's Divorce Readiness Test.

I said it would happen and it did...Dr. Phil has a Divorce Readiness Test I re-print here for your reading pleasure:

Are you ready to get divorced? If you’re unhappy and think you’re ready to call it quits, answer the five questions in Dr. Phil's Divorce Readiness Test:

1. Have you done everything you can to save and rehabilitate your marriage?

2. Do you have unfinished emotional business?

3. Have you researched, planned, and prepared yourself legally for divorce?

4. Are you ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children?

5. Are you willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent?

Dr. Phil believes most people in America are too quick to get divorced. You shouldn't get a divorce, he says, until you’ve turned over every stone and investigated every avenue of rehabilitation possible; you have no unfinished emotional business; you’ve researched, planned and prepared yourself legally; you’re ready to adopt a new standard of conduct with your children and you’re willing to create a new relationship as a co-parent.

For more on his first two questions, read on:

Have you gotten help for your marriage? Have you exhausted all avenues of putting your marriage back together? That means everything from reading books or going to a marriage counselor, to speaking to a clergy member and spending time focusing on you and your role in what's going on.

You need to ask yourself:

•What was your marriage like when it worked?

•When did it go wrong? Why?

•Is what you're fighting about worth breaking up your marriage?

•What do you want?

•What is it costing you to be in your relationship?

•Are you willing to put in the effort to make the relationship work?

•What are you doing to contaminate the relationship?

"You know you're ready for a divorce when you can walk out the door with no anger, frustration or hurt. Otherwise, you've got unfinished business," says Dr. Phil. "Unless and until you look each other in the eye feeling peace, no hatred or resentment, you're not ready to get a divorce."

Do not make life-changing decisions in the midst of emotional turmoil. Such consequential decisions should not be made when tensions are high. Get on flat ground first so you can look at things more rationally.

Ask yourself:

•Are you still in love with your spouse?

•Are you hurt?

•Are you scared?

•Are you angry?

•Are you confused?

If you answered yes to any of those questions, you've failed the test. This is not the time to make life-changing decisions. You have more work to do.

2009-12-24T09:49:00.001-05:00

A Normally Loud Household

Let me preface this article by saying I not only grew up in an Italian family but for the first 18 years of my life I never realized that my father was practically deaf(we discovered how hard of hearing he was after he finally got a hearing aide when I was in college). So not only did we yell because of our heritage but we yelled so my Dad could hear us. By the way my Dad's sister was also deaf so we yelled when we saw my aunt, heck we just used loud "outside" voices all the time.

My husband, who by the way also came from a rather loud Italian household and who himself tends to be on the loud side, insists that my yelling in the household disrupts our family life, is abnormal, and will lead our children into therapy.

First I want to say that surfing the web I have discovered more than one website devoted to to among other things mothers and yelling: today's cliche'

This is where I found that I am not alone in trying to get the kids ready for school while I get myself dressed for work and after repeating that they need to brush their teeth a million times, my voice starts to go up and up and up until I sound horse.

The next question that begs is whether or not this is healthy for the children. Growing up in my household, I have discovered that I have a thicker skin than some other individuals who grew up in quieter homes. The employees I hire who come from more sheltered environments are not as resiliant as those who have had their lives threatened daily by mothers who had enough of Dr. Spock and his ridiculous ways.

At this point I need to stress that yelling and abuse are two very different things. When I yell at my kids to take out the garbage, it is not abusive. It has come on the heels of me making the same request a dozen or more times and receiving the answer, "I will" without a muscle being moved in the direction of the garage.

Do I think a loud household is harmful? No I don't. I think a loveless household is harmful. I think an ambivalent household is harmful and I think a bad marriage is harmful. A loud household, well that is just normal.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!!!!

2009-12-14T13:28:00.003-05:00

Dating During Divorce

Dating while a divorce is pending is always a bad idea and should be avoided. The effect it will have on your legal case is something which most individuals rarely realize. The most important aspect of the case which will be affected is that you will cause your spouse to have undue anger and turn a case which might otherwise have been settled easily, amicably and inexpensively into a difficult, acrimonious and expensive battle. The spouse most often than not becomes irrational and turns the case into a battlefield for revenge making settlement difficult if not impossible.

The spouse may also try to turn the children and other family and friends against the dating spouse.
Additionally the non-dating spouse will try to justify to themselves and those around them that the divorce was caused by the dating spouse's need to cheat. Regardless of the ultimate reasons for the divorce, the non dating spouse will look to vindicate themselves and seek empathy from others.

In the event the children become aware of the situation, this may cause the children to feel that the dating spouse has abandoned the other parent and they will therefore sympathize or align themselves with the other parent.

While a divorce is pending and for months after, individuals go through many changes emotionally. This is not usually a good time to make life decisions and entering into any long term relationship at this juncture is a mistake.

Legally the impact this can have on your case regarding custody and parenting time should also not be underestimated. Besides the non dating spouse being else likely to want to settle these issues on a reasonable basis, the children may express their desire to spend less time with the dating spouse in the event that the "friend" is present. Judges and experts who assist the court in making custody and parenting time determinations are not impressed with a person who dates during a divorce. Dating shows callousness toward the feelings of the children and could be considered poor role modeling for the children. The dating parent is viewed by the court as selfish and self centered and this decision could in fact tip the scales in cases where all other factors are equal.

The best advice any divorce attorney can give a client is DO NOT DATE DURING DIVORCE. NEVER MOVE IN WITH A BOYFRIEND OR GIRLFRIEND. However, if you feel you must date, be as discreet as possible, preferably not allowing anyone to know you are dating. Wait a reasonable time after the divorce is over before introducing your date to your children.
In the event you are found out however, expect your otherwise "easy" and "quick" divorce to turn long, ugly and potentially disastrous.

2009-12-09T15:06:00.002-05:00

Divorce Coaching

What is a divorce coach? Life coaching and divorce coaching is the newest way for clients to help deal with the emotional issues of their divorce. Emotional issues often get in the way of being able to make good decisions, reaching settlement and moving on with your life. A divorce coach acts as an advocate and guide for one party, providing the support and guidance aimed at facilitating agreement between both spouses. The role of a divorce coach is to provide support, empathy and understanding for the emotional upheaval associated with divorce. The divorce coach is not a therapist or “shrink”. Coaching is focused on divorce-related issues faced in the here and now and does not probe into the psychological or emotional past of the client. A coach who is a licensed professional trained in family systems is particularly qualified to assist the client in identifying challenges and managing them in the best way possible. The average cost of a divorce coach are as follows:
$50.00 per 25 minute session
$100.00 per 50 minute session
Is this worth it? Only you can decide if a divorce coach is right for you.

2009-11-24T07:37:00.005-05:00

Remembering to Give Thanks

This has been a tough year. Right out of the gate in February with the loss of my Dad and Grandmother, 2009 blasted me with cold winds which to date haven't let up much. The poor economy, some unexpected pitfalls and an unexpected rash of unhappy clientel piled on to the scene this year. A lousy economy will always bring out the worst in people so it was difficult for me to dig deep this year to see the good as I try to do each Thanksgiving as I give Thanks.

This year I give thanks to the legacy left by my Dad that lives in me. My Dad never intentionally hurt a living soul. Each day of my life I look to see if my actions can or do hurt another individual and if I feel they have or will I attempt to alter them. This by the way is not an easy feat for a trained advocate. However, an advocate does not need to be a bully. One of my Dad's many doctors made a statement to me when treating my Dad one day which has stayed with me. He said: "First do no harm." Of course he was referring to the Hypocratic Oath he took as a physician, but I see no reason why the rest of us cannot live by that credo in our daily lives.

If every one of us got up each day and said to ourselves, "Do no harm." the world would be a better place. Have I ever failed to adhere to this creed? I'm sure I have, but I can say in all honesty never did I do so with any intent. Besides the love of my friends and my family and the health of all those I hold dear, I am thankful for what my Dad has taught me. The legacy he started which I hope to continue in my daily life. "First, do no harm. Second try to do some good today."
I am thankful for the opportunity to try. Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-18T13:35:00.002-05:00

Health care Reform

The House of Representatives has passed the first version of health care reform this weekend. The fact that this bill made it through the house is quite a feat given the strong feelings on both sides of the issue. Most Americans are in agreement that health care reform is necessary. Anyone who has ever had any contact with health insurance carriers in recent times knows that it is a nightmare. While the foes of health care reform yell about governmental interference between a patient and his doctor, the interference from the insurance companies between the patient and their doctor is rarely mentioned. Those of us however, myself included who have been forced to fight with insurance companies over health services will tell you that the system NEEDS to change.

While I do not want the government involved in my medical decisions, neither do I want the conglomerate insurance companies deciding what treatment I need and when.

We need an overall to give autonomy back to the medical profession and to the patients where it belongs. If in fact that means some governmental regulations need to be put in place than so be it. The question always involves how much government and what role. We need to trust that the powers we elected will hit the right balance and return health care decision back to the people and the medical professionals where it belongs.

Most people want reform, and have been screaming about it for a long time. Finally it seems someone is listening.

2009-11-05T10:34:00.002-05:00

Separation vs. Divorce

To married people the terms separation and divorce are used interchangeably. It seems that the public at large is unfamiliar with the difference between the two. Frankly there is a rather big difference in that with a legal separation the parties remain legally married. In a divorce they do not. Additionally a separation agreement is only enforceable in the same way any other contract would be enforceable. One needs to sue the other party for a breach as opposed to having a judgement (of divorce) already in place. The burden is on the party bringing the action to show that in fact the contract was breached and then the party may proceed to the enforcement part of the matter. In a divorce there is no need to prove whether or not the breach was intentional or if it was an oversight. If you don't get want you are entitled to from what is listed in the judgement you can jump right to the enforcement part and garnish salaries or collect your money the way you would in any other civil matter where you already have a judgment against the other party.

Separation agreements also do not automatically turn into divorces. People can stay legally separated for ever if neither party files for divorce. Even after the filing, there is no guarantee the matter will not be contested by the other party. If the filing of the divorce is contested after a separation agreement is executed (which by the way it often is)this can lead to a very ugly litigated battle where the separation agreement will be put in jeopardy of being changed or altered in order to settle the matter amicably.

Separation agreements do not provide the closure the parties in all liklihood are seeking in disolving their marital ties. These agreements should be entered into with full knowledge as to each parties responsibilities and risks in the future.

2009-10-28T15:29:00.002-04:00

Practicing Law Among Old Friends

A group of matrimonial attorneys found themselves in the courtroom recently discussing the longevity of their time in the trenches and relaying tales of experiences with attorneys not quite so familiar with the world of matrimonial law. One attorney said , that she remembered when I was a newbie. That I informed her much to her chagrin was 23 years ago. We talked of the difficulty of settling cases with those entering our world who are merely dabblers and were ill equipped to settle a case much less try it.

The dabblers are dragging these cases out to make money they aren't earning said one lawyer. It is really disgusting how these attorneys take cases from us and then blow them up. They will usually charge a lower retainer to begin the case but due to their inexperience they will cause a case to linger far beyond where it should. The economy was blamed for these attorneys entering our world. Everyone thinks they can practice matrimonial law, until they get a case. The over abundance of practicing attorneys also is a danger to the trusting consumer.

Sadly we must all be wary of the variables in our world and handle them accordingly. Caveat emptor has never been more important than it is in these economic times.

2009-10-22T06:55:00.003-04:00

Marital Longevity and the Quest to be Happy

I just realized that both of my grandmothers were born on the 22nd day of the month. October was my paternal grandmother while July was the birth month of my maternal grandmother. The other significant co-incidence is that both sets of grandparents had been married over 50 years, as coincidentally were my parents.

Doing what I do it seems almost inconceivable that I have been surrounded by marriages of such longevity. I myself cannot be put into a category with these extraordinary people in that I am on my second marriage and the 50 year mark would put me into well passed my own life expectancy.

It would be a young child's fantasy to believe that each of these marriages were perfect in every way. I witnessed as a young child certain instances which would mar my vision of a perfect marriage. None of the instances I witnessed however,or even some of the stories I heard could ever touch the real life stories I have been privy to in my matrimonial practice.

Is longevity something that is passe' in modern marriage? I ask myself that question frequently. I don't believe that modern families are any more dysfunctional than they were 50 years ago. I do believe however, that modern families are less tolerant than generations before us and feel that they deserve to be happy. Are we in fact a more narcissistic society if we choose to live our lives happy as opposed to suffering within a loveless marriage? I think it has more to do with societal acceptance of divorce as opposed to our own selfish quest for happiness. We are not judged the way our grandparents would have been if they divorced. More and more couples divorce and it is less of an issue even in polite society.

As their granddaughter I would never presume to judge the marital relationship of any of my grandparents. They as well as my parents set for me a loving caring cocoon that to this day I can still retreat to whenever I need to experience the love that they showered upon me. Their examples represent the gold standard for me in terms of marriage. As I remember my grandma on this day of her birth I advise you all of the gift she gave me of her strength. A brave 19 year old girl who left her family and her home to follow her husband to a new world called America. Not knowing a sole or the language, she managed to raise 3 children and taught herself English without the help of bilingual signs or English as a second language course. On this day I honor strength of character and the quest for happiness be it within the marriage relationship or outside. Happy Birthday Grandma.

2009-10-16T12:27:00.003-04:00

Family Court vs. Supreme Court
Which is the proper venue?

To all of you unfamiliar with the judicial system the question of what forum to bring an action can be quite confusing. While Supreme and Family Court have concurrent (the same) jurisdiction over many matters there are some cases which can only be brought into one or the other.

Supreme Court contrary to its name is the lowest court in the State system. In NY the next highest court is the Appellate Division which hears appeals from the Supreme Court and the the highest Court in the State is the Court of Appeals. Under the state court system lies the county courts consisting of Family Courts and District Courts.

One cannot obtain a divorce in our Family Court system here in NY. A divorce action must be commenced in Supreme Court. From there it could proceed on appeal to the Appellate Division and rarely but not unheard of can go to the Court of Appeals for specific disputes.

Once a case arrives int he Supreme Court system it cannot have any matters heard at the same time in Family Court. Once the Supreme Court matter is resolved however, many of the issues resolved in Supreme Court may be enforced in Family court as well as in Supreme Court.

Family Court which is sometimes referred to as "the people's court" does not require that petitioners be represented by an attorney. In fact none of the courts can require representation by counsel however, the process of the system makes it very difficult for a pro se litigant to represent themselves in any court other than in family court. Most times the issues found in family court revolve around support, and custody disputes between unmarried couples or couples who are no longer married.

While having an attorney represent you in any matter where there are legal issues is always desired, family court is really the only court that lends itself to the assistance of the pro se litigant. Procedures are usually more relaxed in family court and many times cases are not heard by judges but by hearing examiners who possess the same powers of enforcement as a judge with the exception of doling out jail time in the event of a contempt proceeding.

While most attorneys do practice is family court, it is usually their preference to have cases heard in Supreme Court. Procedure and protocol are usually more attorney friendly in the Supreme Court and sometimes it is more expeditious to bring emergency relief in the Supreme Court as opposed to Family Court which usually has a six week wait period from the filing of the petition to the hearing date.

Although it is not mandatory, one unfamiliar with the legal system should be very wary of entering any of the hallowed halls of justice without proper representation. One misstep could cost you thousands in the long run; much more than the price of competent counsel. In certain circumstances failure to have counsel can not only ruin a litigant financially but it can devastate a family and negatively impact parental relationships with children. Think carefully before deciding to go it alone.

2009-10-07T11:34:00.004-04:00

Beware of the Mediation Process

Anyone who reads this blog knows I am a big proponent of Mediation, and I have written on the subject many times. The law at present does not require Mediation to be done only by licensed attorneys. Anyone can hang a shingle and declare themselves a mediator. Therapists, social workers, retirees, anyone and everyone who sees this as a potential source of new income is declaring themselves a mediator.

Clients who have entered my office and thought my fee was high for this service, have returned to me with agreements written in appalling condition. These agreements would guarantee the parties a lifetime of family court proceedings to flush out the many ambiguities and missing provisions of these so called agreements.

Such is the arrogance of these mediators to advise these clients that I a licensed attorney who has been practicing matrimonial law for some 23 years doesn't understand the process and is merely attempting to make this more complicated than it should be!!

The process is complicated but in a practice such as mine it is streamlined in such as way as to avoid unnecessary contact with the court after the agreement is executed. My agreements are about 60 pages in length and cover all contingencies. Here is a hint: if your agreement has only about 20 pages in it, you are missing an awful lot! If it has less than 20 pages be prepared to become a staple at the local family courthouse, because unless you and your former spouse are excellent at communication and compromise you will soon find that such intervention will be necessary due to the failings of your cheaply obtained agreement.

Most people do not believe in the phrase that "you get what you pay for." In many instances it is untrue, but when it comes to a dissolution of your marriage and the future of your financial stability, not to mention the welfare of your children,
you should heed the warning.

Would you put your trust into the hands of a particular surgeon because his price was the cheapest or do you want the very best in the field? The same should apply when dealing with all major decisions in your life. Divorce is a major decision. Be informed and chose your avenues wisely. There are bad apples in every field and charlatans eager to bleed you as well. Get referrals from sources you trust, investigate the attorney you use and use someone who has a license on the line. Your future depends on your choices.

2009-09-21T13:46:00.005-04:00

Oh The Misery

Going through a divorce is miserable. It is the break up a relationship. It is the dissolution of a marriage and that is never a happy event. I as your attorney know and acknowledge the pain you are feeling. I understand your mental frailty and it is up to me to keep a level head when you cannot. It is up to me to help you make decisions and give you sound advice when all of your friends tell you about their acquaintances who have done so much better than I am telling you that you will do in court. It is up to me not to sugar coat your situation and at the risk of being called cold and unfeeling it is my job to protect your interests. It is true that I work for you, but I am an independent contractor in the sense that I decide how to proceed with your case. Most of you are co-operative and are pleased to know I am on your side and have your best interests at heart. You are respectful to my staff and grateful that our knowledgeable office is doing everything in its power to help get you through this tough time. Most of you also know you are not our only client and understand that there are delays which cannot always be avoided and that the judicial process itself is slow going.

Some of you though, are the perpetual victim, and to those of you I address this post. Being nasty to my staff is counterproductive to your case. Refusing to pay your bill and insisting that I understand your financial situation and stating that you cannot pay for services already rendered will not endear you to me, or make me worker harder on your case. I need to pay my staff and my bills, this is not a not-for profit organization, it is a law firm. If you want pro bono assistance put your name on a list and wait your turn. Do not think you can avoid responsibility for your own actions or behaviors by saying that I "did nothing" for you. If you are unhappy with your result chances are you did something contrary to my advice or that you failed to understand that sometimes the judicial system does not render a "just" decision but a decision meant to make everyone unhappy for entering their hollowed halls seeking a result they should have achieved on their own without court intervention.

Divorce is not easy, but biting at the hand that reaches out to help you is not only ill advised, it is just plain stupid. If you want to blame someone look in the mirror chances are you are the problem not your lawyer.

2009-09-10T07:30:00.003-04:00

Back to School, Back to Work, Back to Business

I don't remember where I first heard the Summer time referred to as the "Silly Season." I think it may have been a quote from a Fitzgerald novel since I have retained many phrases in my vocabulary from that genre. Summer has always meant that to me things were not to be taken too seriously, it was a time to relax and recharge our batteries after a grueling winter and lay back and enjoy family time. Many years ago when I first started practicing law the courts literally closed for most of August in that most judges took off for the summer and after the 4th of July nothing much went on until labor day. I have pretty much retained that mind set refusing to wear stockings after June 15th and keeping my sandals (my special court sandals) on until the chill of September required closed toe shoes.

Though I am resisting the more restricted footwear, I have delved back into practice this week as I trotted the kids off to school I followed the yellow brick road back to the courthouse and am set for the fall business of divorce.

Many times I have been asked when my was my busy season and the two cycles which are pretty much constant are the middle of September and the middle of January. As the kids head back to school their parents realize that Fall should bring a new lifestyle and that may not involve the other parent any longer. Now before the vigor of the holidays starts to kick in it is time to clean house and sweep out our lives.

As your lawyer, and your confidant I stand at the ready saying goodbye to the Silly Season and hello to responsibility. See you in Court.

2009-08-29T09:29:00.002-04:00

No Vacation for My Lawyer
I know I have ranted before about client's not wanting to pay for their legal services which have already been rendered. I continually ask them if their own employers argued with them before they got their paychecks each week, however the concept continues to allude those in divorce who feel their divorce attorney is an entitlement and doesn't need to be paid by them once an action has started and an initial retainer has run out. This week a new wrinkle was added to this rant of "why do I have to pay you when I don't have the money." It is the statement that how dare I take a vacation when my client can't even remember the last time she had one and how nice it is to be me!

Can anyone ever recall telling their surgeon that he has no business taking a vacation when his patient needs an operation or do we all just schedule our surgeries around his schedule? I know that two of my children were delivered early to accommodate my doctor's schedule and I was alright with that.

For the first time in my career I was asked to justify my vacation to a client who didn't want to pay me for the balance of the work I had done for her. Beside the fact that she got an excellent deal, which she will not realize for at least a few years down the road, her legal bill was not astronomical compared to what her husband paid his attorney and her matter is all but finished. Still she ranted about my horrible staff(I hope someday she needs another lawyer and hires someone else so she can experience a horrible staff)my mean partner who had the audacity to ask her to pay her bill from monies we were holding on her behalf and blasted me for not calling her myself while chastising me for taking a vacation!

Well hear this all new and potential clients; I expect to get paid for my services in a timely manner. If you can't pay me, find another lawyer. If you are unhappy with my representation, find another lawyer. If you are unhappy with my staff, find another lawyer. If you feel your attorney should not take vacations if you cannot afford to take one, find another lawyer.

2009-07-26T10:35:00.005-04:00

Pass the Salt and By the Way I Quit

Speaking to other employers I am well aware that I am not the only one who has trouble finding good people to work in my office. The trouble begins when you hire someone you know is mediocre at best and hope that the person can grow into the job even though you know it may be beyond their reach. Such has been the case with the last few individuals I hired. The last person who claimed to have 16 years of law office experience albeit not in the matrimonial world started out quite promising. There was excitement in the office that maybe, even though she seemed a bit quirky on the interview that this individual could in fact do the job. This last employee thought it quite proper to give me her notice over lunch one day informing me that she had found a better job with benefits and could only give me a few days notice. Good riddance to this woman who could barely get through the day without making some ridiculous comment about the number of individuals getting divorced.....this comment made to a divorce attorney in a law office. Where did she think those getting divorced would call?

I always try to get someone in who seems like they will work well together with the rest of the staff. One would think in this job market we would get flooded with resumes from individuals looking for a job. Such has not been the case. Where are all these unemployed individuals we have all been reading about? Where are all these workers willing to learn any skill necessary in order to support their families?

The employees who do apply for the position come in with a very demanding attitude and an entitlement mentality asking for salaries that are outrageous without any experience to back up their requests.

Why should this surprise me when droves of individuals can be seen on lines at the unemployment office accepting checks without consequences or restrictions. Benefits are routinely extended without reason and are granted indiscriminately even to those who have left of their own volition or were fired for cause. One of our passed secretaries moved to Florida and was granted unemployment benefits because she said the economy in NY forced her to move out until we fought the claim proving she had sold assets here and should have been able to find gainful employment. Another employee was fired for cause, excessive absences and the unemployment office found that she too was entitled to benefits.

No wonder the unemployment rate is so high, everyone is given the benefit without having to work. Until something is done about this travesty we call unemployment benefits there will be no incentive for any of these people to re-enter the workforce. It is time to force these individuals to get on their feet even if that means taking a job which they feel is "beneath them." Where is the work ethic from years past when individuals such as my father took any job available from pumping gas to sweeping floors in a factory just to provide for his family.

Keep all this in mind when you call my office....competent help is very hard to find.

2009-07-16T04:54:00.003-04:00

How Much Justice Can One Afford

In negotiating three very different cases yesterday, as usual the stumbling block centered around the all mighty dollar. We were at one number and the adversary was at another number. In all three cases the numbers were close but could make a lifestyle difference of some significance to the party having to pay the higher amount. In one case the arguments involved arrears which were to be paid from house money held in escrow. The problem arising from the fact that there wasn't enough money in escrow to satisfy all of the bills plus the arrears and have either party walk out with any additional funds. The second case involved a maintenance award of a few hundred dollars a month which amounted to less than the cost of a trial if the issue needed to be pursued, and the third involved a couple who made no money between them and were arguing over who would get to keep which over mortgaged asset.

Luckily each case had adversaries who felt as I did that a trial on these issues would not resolve either of our client's woes and in fact increase their legal obligations to us to numbers which would assure we would never get paid for the work we would need to do.

In each case I explained to my client the cost of the additional litigation which would be needed to have a judge decide the issue and in each case it was noted that the cost of the litigation far exceeded the expected result. How much justice can one afford is usually the ending questioning here and even if you can afford it, is the price and the ongoing litigation worth it? To some the answer is clearly yes, and I know many attorneys who would not even give their clients a real choice but merely push for the fee and move toward trial. Frankly, I am tired of not getting paid for my efforts. One case in particular where I felt very sorry for my client and worked and worked on the case without pushing for a payment plan and never stopped work because of the bill ended up with a debt of over $12000.00. The client's son was in my child's class and the case so outraged me that I continued on it and to this day the mother has failed to make a dent in the bill at all. I am tired of hearing the line "you know my situation" Well guess what? They should also know my situation, I need to pay my bills as well and can't do that if I continually work for free. As I have said in my posts many times, the number of individuals who expect lawyers to take cases for free boggles my mind. Especially when financial times hard, I have heard from fellow practitioners that they are also experiencing the same entitlement mentality from new incoming clients. Sorry this is not a pro bono business, we are not a not for profit organization. If you can't afford to continue to a trial you had better consider a settlement and move on with life.

2009-07-01T14:05:00.003-04:00

The Case for Judges with Practical Legal Experience

If I've said it once, I've said it a million times, with few exceptions,Judges who have never practiced law are nightmares on the bench.
It makes perfect sense that if you have never practiced law you can't possibly understand what the attorneys advocating before you are dealing with legally or realistically with regard to their clients. It is not enough that the judge knows or even learns the law. He or she must be aware of the practicality involved in representing clients and the difficulty in dealing with a client and an adversary. Judges who have never practiced do not understand that a lawyer is really not earning a living while they cool their heels in a court room waiting for a judge to take the bench. Lawyers who are successful are usually busy at their office meeting with clients and a judge who earns a paycheck by merely showing up can not always appreciate the time constraints on a practitioner.

More importantly a judge who has never sat in a room with an adversary and his client in an attempt to negotiate a settlement is in no position to pass judgement on those who toil away in an attempt to avoid a trial. Once again I have been witness to a judge becoming very angry and agitated over the fact that the parties were attempting to negotiate a settlement instead of trying a case. The judge instead of being thrilled that the parties were attempting to settle the matter without judicial input became quite abusive and insistent that the matter conclude immediately. This of course leads to hasty decision making, sloppy paperwork and clients with lots of regrets.

The better approach of course would be to assist the attorneys by giving them some insight with regard to how the rulings would go if put to the bench and give them the time and leeway they need to facilitate a through settlement agreement that all parties sign on to with confidence. It isn't necessary that the parties be completely happy, no one ever is in these cases, but at least the agreement should be solid and enforceable.

A judge who has been in the trenches can appreciate the value of two attorneys working to settle a case. It doesn't take a master litigator to try a basic matrimonial case, but it does take a knowledgeable attorney to settle a matter without the need for theatrics and costly litigation.

2009-06-21T19:11:00.003-04:00

The World Will Never Again Be The Same

Who could have foreseen before this week that the world of Twitter and the Internet would be instrumental in helping to bring democracy to the country of Iran.
Never again will countries be allowed to block out the rest of the world while they seek to terrorize and bully their own people. In this age of Internet and twitter in real time the world watches as these purportedly religious zealots attempt to quiet dissidents and protesters by causing senseless bloodshed. Looking back over history, one wonders that perhaps the Holocaust and more recently the senseless violence in Tieneman square could have been prevented or at least halted more expeditiously if the world had been watching the events as they were unfolding.

It is extraordinary to bear witness to such historical happenings as if we were on the streets of Tehran protesting alongside these brave people who are fighting for the very freedoms we take for granted in this country every single day.

We Twitter our support to these individuals and stand here with encouragement and prayer that their actions and words reach out to free them from the tyranny of these dictators who rule without the will of the people.

We also thank God every day that we live in the greatest country in the world where it is our right to call on our President to do as we ask and not be afraid that we will be shot in the streets when disagree with his administrations course of action.
God bless democracy and all that it brings to the people and God Bless America.

2009-06-09T07:23:00.006-04:00

The Day Long Island Took Back the State Senate

The weather report said rain all day, but frankly I knew that would be incorrect, it never rains all day on my Birthday. The weekend was very nice and I knew all my children had gone out of their way to purchase individual gifts because they had been trying to give them to me for three days prior. We all love surprises in our home but most of us have a hard time keeping the secret.

Yesterday there were flowers and balloons, there were candles and wind chimes.Then there was the blockbuster surprise that Long Island had taken back control of the State senate.

This is very important to every long islander who pays taxes which we all know are greatly disproportionate with those paid in other areas of the state. Since the elections in November we have been advised of all the additional taxes we would need to pay because we live on long island like commuter taxes and we were also told to expect less back in services. Our schools buckled down and came out with lower budgets than ever before, tapping into reserves that none of us are supposed to acknowledge exist. Our towns spawned more fiscally conservatives candidates than ever before to meet the needs of the people regardless of which side of the aisle they hailed from. And then the great equalizer, Money was thrown into the mix and suddenly two Democrats in the State Senate saw the error of their ways and agreed to defect if only in voting to turn the tides of power and grab a handful of something for themselves in the bargain.

With all the drama of a Broadway play, the long standing majority who had become the minority over night took back the State and promised to make things better than they were and move legislation as it had never been moved. Wait we ask though, wasn't these the very people who had stalled the legislation in the first place? Sure they did but that was only because the tide did not flow equally over the shores of Long Island....now it will. Or so we are told.

It was a good birthday and perhaps a good day for Long Island as well. We shall have to see.

2009-06-04T12:22:00.002-04:00

Do You Have a Payment Plan?

When my husband needed heart surgery and all the doctors we were referred to as specialists in the field refused to accept our insurance, I didn't ask them if they took a payment plan. He needed the surgery and I was going to beg borrow or steal the money, which I did (I stopped short of stealing it)and he had the surgery.

Clients who enter my office think nothing of asking me to do my work immediately and not wanting to pay me until later. I accept all major forms of credit and tell them that they can pay out Visa, but I need to get the money upfront.

Now a new twist has reared its (her) ugly head, the client who fires me, and wants her file wants to pay her bill off in a payment plan she said I agreed to while I was employed. No I said, You want your file, you pay me for the work done.

How is it everyone else gets paid as they do the work, but attorneys are expected to wait indefinitely and sometimes, many times never get paid for their time and effort.
The clients who cry to me that "You know my circumstances!" expect me to forgo paying my own bills because they cannot pay theirs. Lipa is never interested when I tell them my clients owe me a lot of money. My mortgage company doesn't care that my receivables are lagging and American Express just cuts me off when I ask to for a pay off plan.

We attorneys are usually not independently wealthy and we certainly are not Not for Profit Organizations. We attorneys are working Moms and Dads just trying to pay our bills and do a good job for a good days pay.

2009-05-27T15:05:00.005-04:00

Mediation or Not

A former mediation consult came in to see me today to discuss the mediation agreement she had prepared with another attorney and asked me to review it on her behalf. Of course I asked the obvious as to why she didn't hire me to do the mediation. Her response was that her husband didn't think I would be impartial and would favor her. I guess being a woman and all threw him off!

I advised her that he was very foolish in that now I was free to advocate on her behalf now that I was being hired as an advocate. Interestingly enough the mediator he felt most comfortable with was a male attorney who has been practicing only about a handful of years as opposed to my over twenty year experience.

So we can break this down as saying her husband felt comfortable with a less knowledgeable male attorney as opposed to a more experienced female attorney because he thought I would favor his wife!

Mediation really isn't about taking sides, it is taking the facts and getting the parties to come to their own agreement. The suggestions I make are usually gender neutral and tend to help both sides. It is really in my best interest to make sure both sides are happy with my representation and recommend me to others in like situations.
In this case I bet the husband has been congratulating himself for the past few months on choosing the correct mediation forum. Yes, I do find this amusing instead of disturbing because now when he finds out I am advising his wife he will probably lose his mind.

2009-05-12T17:38:00.002-04:00

Another One Bites the Dust

Since the inception of our practice some 14 years ago we have had one ongoing issue involving staffing. I have spoken to other small businesses and we are certainly not alone in this endeavor, good staff is hard to find and harder to keep. Even when you think you have good staff it sometimes turns out that their life span in the workplace is limited for many reasons.
The practice of matrimonial law in particular does not lend itself to a stress free environment. The nature of the work involves unhappy people, hard due dates and crazy cases. I thought I had established a fool proof way of hiring by warning the potential hirees about the practice and also about my own flawed nature.
I admit to being a type A personality. I also admit to being a control freak and quick tempered among my many virtues. I do value family time however, and am very liberal with time off and flex time for my staff to attend to their children and families. I also believe that our office is a nice place to work. Just don't screw up. And if you do screw up, admit to it, fix it if you can and suck it up when you get yelled at.
Simple and rather quick, I will usually not be angry for long and all will be right with the world. The fact that I come from an Italian family where yelling was our normal volume, and even saying I love you was said in a scream, I am continually stunned by the temperamental flowers who pass through these doors denying accountability and tearfully telling my partner what a monster I am.
After 14 years he now just shakes his head as they apologize to HIM but explain that they really cannot work with the tyrant who runs the place.

Funny how 14 years ago when we first started the practice and were still feeling our way as to who would be in charge of what, it was he who made the staff cry at regular intervals with his sarcasm and flip remarks. I therefore took over the role as office manager and he handled the finances. I choose to remind him of that whenever someone leaves because of me.

Most times I do not take it personally, people don't ever leave for one reason, usually there are a whole list of things preceding an event such as this, but it really is once again easier to blame someone else than to accept it yourself. Also I usually have a feel it is coming before it actually occurs. Yes, I am demanding, of my staff as well as myself. That is what makes our firm the success that it is.
NOTICE:
If you can't handle pressure, or a boss that demands perfection and some occasional yelling please do not apply.

2009-05-01T07:25:00.003-04:00

CLE Crunch Time!

Every 2 years attorneys must register with the state and prove that they have taking the 24 credits required for continuing education. Every two years I forget about it until the 60 day mark when I receive my notice to register. Then I go into panic mode and need to get 24 credit hours on tape and cram before the deadline so I can register on time. Anyone who knows me would say that this is very unusual for me. The type A personality that I am would usually have done these requirements over the course of the two years(and in fact that is exactly what I used to do) and therefore not have to stress or cram when the notice arrived.

The older I get however, it seems the more disorganized I seem to get. The thought of sitting through seminars makes me cringe. Continuing education as a whole is totally unappealing to me. the patience and zeal I once had for the classroom has morphed into me now having the attention span of a flea. Although I could listen to lectures about the works of Michelangelo all day long, the thought of listening to other lawyers tell me the changes in the law brings on the shakes and the willies.

Thank goodness these courses are now available on Cd's so I can listen while in the office or the car or even torture my family during dinner with the droning on of the lecture series so I can get my credits. Listening intently for the code I need to prove I actually listened.

I really need to get more organized with this requirement....yeah...maybe next time.

2009-04-24T11:57:00.003-04:00

Smithtown has first female Conservative town chair (Spin Cycle) - Newsday.com

2009-04-15T14:38:00.014-04:00

Divorce Italian Style

I have just returned from a fabulous trip where I chaperoned my older boys to Italy. While we were there we naturally got to view a different way of life than what we are used to. I must say first off that Americans are by far the most friendly people. As much as I love the Italians, they were not as friendly as my fellow New Yorkers. Italians are also quite emotional toward one another and it is my understanding that they are forgiving of each other's emotional outbursts and are no where near as horrified as I was in witnessing these exchanges. Walking through the airport I encountered two Italians cursing one another out loudly for what seemed to be no reason at all. Wherein in the states, security would have been called to assist airline clerks begin screamed at and abused by passengers whose flight was delayed, in Italy the clerks just seemed to scream back.

As I usually do when entering a different jurisdiction I inquired as to where all the lawyers were and what the procedures were to get divorced in that jurisdiction.
Divorce in Italy much like divorce in NY is based on a fault system wherein one party must essentially take the blame. Further over the great objection of the Catholic Church divorce in Italy has only been legal since 1970. Divorce in Italy must first take the form of a legal separation either by decree or consent with a ridiculous waiting period of three years before either party can file for divorce. In fact, the waiting period between the request for legal separation and the request for divorce, originally five years and reduced to three in 1987, was introduced as a "period of reflection" for the couple in a thinly veiled concession to the church. As in NY the divorce is not granted automatically after the waiting period and it must be sought by one of the parties. Anyone who can afford to can go to another European country and set up residency there, in six or seven months they can file for divorce and have it recognized in Italy.
Interestingly divorce in Italy spikes as it does here in the states.in Italy, where in recent years divorce rates have been steadily sneaking up to those of other European countries, summer is bust-up season.

"It's not the heat, but because couples spend more time together," said one Italian lawyer. "They can scrutinize the reasons they don't get along and blow them out of proportion. So more people want to split up."
Divorce in Italy may be obtained on one of the following grounds: After the court has approved consensual separation; after judicial separation; when one spouse has been sentenced for certain criminal offenses; when one spouse is a foreign citizen and has obtained a divorce or has married again abroad; or when the marriage has not been consummated. If the divorce is based on separation, it may only be obtained after three years of continuous separation beginning on the date the spouses appeared before the court in the proceedings for legal separation. The judicial divorce takes longer, depending upon the how many and what kind of questions need to be resolved by the court. Italian divorces can run as high as their American counterparts. As far a custody, Italian law is quite similar to American law.
Unless there is some specific reason for limiting access, non custodial parents in Italy are generally guaranteed unlimited access to their children. An overseas flight can certainly be considered a limiting factor, so it can happen that custodial parents are not allowed to move their children out of the country if the move has been contested by their ex-spouse. This whole situation led to a epidemic of “kidnappings”, where one parent took their children overseas, stealing off into the night. To guard against this eventuality, the process of applying for a passport for either parents or children has become a bit of an odyssey, with official declarations and stamped documents attesting that all parties are in the know about everyone else’s passport situation, again very similar to the new passport rules in this country. So some advice for ex-pats living in Italy with children, you may want to re-establish US residency before filing for divorce here in the states, because if you file in Italy, the chances are great that you may not be able to live anywhere else with your children unless your ex approves:)

2009-04-02T11:23:00.002-04:00

Shall we Dance?

This is the question I feel like asking an old adversary of mine every time we start talking about a case. Settlement is always my first course of action and my adversary always place "hard to get" in getting him to talk settlement negotiations. I know why he hates to settle cases, it is because he cannot continue to bill on cases he settles. If he talks a case to trial, he can bill for the trial preparation and his time even if the case ultimately settles as the trial begins. I call him the client filter in my office because I know every offer I make goes through his "filter" before it gets to his client and by the time his client hears the offer it has little to no resemblance to the offer that was actually made. This attorney fires up his client by initially promising things he cannot possibly deliver and thus needs to blame his "failures" on a judge to divert the client from blaming him.

Every time a settlement conference is scheduled I can always double book my day knowing this adversary will cancel at the last minute. Settlement conferences allow me to pierce the attorney filter allowing his client to hear the offers directly from me. Most times my offers are fair and reasonable and intelligent individuals rarely turn down offers that save them money.

Instead of trying to settle with this attorney from now on when I see him, I will just ask him to dance, since I know I will be preparing to try the case anyway...wasting my breath doing a verbal dance is no where near as enjoyable as twirling around the court room floor laying my case out for the judge. So from now on we start the case by preparing for the dance......

2009-03-26T12:33:00.003-04:00

Short Sales, Mortgage Re-negotiation Call a Lawyer!!

Due to the fluctuations in our present real estate market many consumers are able to cut some pretty great deals with their present mortgage companies. The key is to getting a great deal is hiring someone to negotiate on your behalf. Many banks out there are good at giving the average consumer the run around when trying to save their home. Sometimes what is needed is a more authoritative voice and knowledgeable individual who can cut the best deal on your behalf.

The banks are offering all kinds of packages from forbearance agreements to rate changes to loan changes depending on your circumstances and the type of loan you presently have.

Now is the time for all consumers to begin evaluating their home loans and look into the possibility of getting a lower rate or longer term thus lowering your present payment. With the government stimulus packages going out to the banks, many banks will be more willing to re-negotiate with consumers as opposed to allowing the house to enter foreclosure proceedings.

A savvy consumer can during this tough economic time cut their payments and perhaps increase their disposable income.

Hire a professional to help you. Spending a little bit of money on someone who knows how to negotiate may save you a ton of money in the long run.

2009-03-20T07:21:00.003-04:00

Spring in 5,4,3, 2, 1
A Time for Mediation?

Welcome to Spring!! I have never awaited a season with more hope and anticipation as I await this Spring. Personally this winter wreaked its havoc on my family and professional I along with the rest of the economy felt what it was like to worry about business and finances. Although none of us is out of the woods just yet, along with the new season brings a new optimism. Our President was on late night TV telling us things are getting better, the Dow is responding better and the housing market after many years is beginning to bounce back again.

Each Spring I feel is a new beginning and it seems that my clients feel much the same way. Those who were resisting divorce because of the cost have decided that they need a new beginning..maybe mediation is the way to go? Mediation of course is much less costly than traditional divorce methods. It can avoid the courts all together and the best part is that the couples remain in control of their lives.

Mediation really is the best way for couples to dissolve their marriages and in an economy like this it is by far the most economical way.

Pros of Mediation:

1. Cheaper than traditional divorce
2. No need to go to court
3. No judge involved
4. No forensics or law guardians involved
5. faster than traditional divorce proceedings
6. Emotionally less draining on the parties
7. Much more civil and less draining on the children

Cons of Mediation:

1. Both parties must be willing to compromise
2. Usually forensic accountants are not used(but they could be if agreed to between the parties)**
3. Both parties must be motivated to come to the mediation sessions
4. Both parties must come to some agreement to move the matter forward
5. Both parties must be willing to sign an agreement
6. Neither party is compelled to proceed with mediation by threat of court intervention
7. Mediation can and will fail if one party chooses not to co-operate or withhold information

Mediation certainly is not for every couple but it can and should be for most couples to consider before heading out to hire individual attorneys. A new beginning needed in your life? Maybe Mediation is the answer.

* thus use of forensic accountants may be important in the event there is a business which may need to be evaluated or Pension plans where the value is needed in order to make a comparison of the assets in an effort to negotiate a distribution of who gets what.

2009-03-09T10:27:00.002-04:00

Cheaper to Keep Her(Him) FALSE!!!

The tough economy has hit every industry and the divorce business is not exception. A recent article in the local paper indicated because times are tough people are staying together even if it means living in separate parts of the house as opposed to starting a divorce action.

The justification they say is that they just can't afford a divorce. The truth of the matter, however, is that people who are living in these situations truly cannot afford NOT to divorce their spouses. Now those of you who have read my blog before know that I am always in favor of trying to save a marriage first. All attempts should be made at counselling or otherwise in order to make a marriage work. Only after all this has failed should a divorce attorney be consulted. That being said those who decide to suck it up and stay in misery, make not only themselves miserable but all those dependant upon them miserable as well.

Of course in these situations the innocent are always the most effected and generally they are the children of the marriage. The unbelievable damage they are doing to the children alone should prompt them to beg,borrow or steal money for a retainer in order to move on with their lives. The cost of years of therapy for children who are witnessing abuse, be it physical or mental as well as the horrendous example these couples are setting for their little ones about what marriage is all about cannot even be calculated monetarily.

The young girl who witnesses her mother being abused by her spouse will in all likelihood look for the same kind of man to marry. The young boy who witnesses the cold hard stares of his parents toward one another cannot ever be expected to become a warm loving spouse or parent.

Ask any police department and they will confirm that in rough economic times domestic violence calls increase dramatically.
What price can one put on happiness and normalcy in a marriage??
A friend of mine who was in an emotionally horrendous marriage refused for years to get a divorce because she felt the lives of her children would be adversely affected financially. Finally when she could no longer look the other way regarding her husband's deviant ways she instituted an action and found love and warmth in a new relationship after years of being emotionally abused.

The horrendous housing market may also be a friend to a couple contemplating a divorce. Where once the housing market forbade the use of using one spouse's 401K as a trade off on equity in the marital home, we have now come full circle in that may in fact be a viable option in this economy. It may also be possible for parties to "trade down" in their housing. The bigger expensive houses can be sold still getting enough equity for one or both parties to afford smaller more affordable homes that are starting to flood the market.

Finally the fact that 1 can live more cheaply than 2 is never more true than in tough economic times. One can live more cheaply than 2 or 3 or 4, that is just a fact.

So those of you out there waiting for the finances to improve before you decide to improve your life....remember there is NEVER a good time to get divorced. When things are this bad economically at least the hope of starting a new better life can give some light at the end of this tunnel. Think about it.

Divorce retainer... $8000.00
Counseling sessions for 1 child over a 10 year period....$46,800
Cost of doctor bills incurred due to domestic violence(over a 6 month period)...$2000
(if covered by insurance)
Property Damage due to domestic violence(annually)....$5000
A loving tranquil household........PRICELESS

2009-03-03T10:58:00.003-05:00

The Greatest Gift

It has been a while since I blogged and that is because it is only now that I am able to catch my breath. While this blog has been a vent for me to air my thoughts on the legal process and my career it sometimes has some very personal notes. I knew I couldn't write without emotion of the last two weeks. Two very dear people close to me passed away within 5 days of each other. My grandmother who had been on this earth 94 years and whose quality of life broke my heart each week when I would visit her was mercifully taken to my grandfather who had been waiting patiently in heaven for over 22 years. Now while I don't presume to understand the cosmic picture and nor do I usually engage in questioning the good Lord and his ways, the passing of my father 5 days later is something that I cannot wrap my mind around. My mother lost her mother and her husband in virtually the same week. Yes, my Dad had health issues, anyone knowing me could attest that over the course of a year we had visited almost every hospital on the Island at one time or another due to my Dad's conditions. He always seemed to pull it out, even when the health professionals tried to count him out.
The last trip we took was last February (2008) to my Dad's all time favorite place: Disneyworld in Florida. It was a difficult trip for him in many ways. He couldn't do the walking he once could and he became very dangerous on the scooter we rented for him.(Dangerous to others not himself...he was a crazy driver). When we got home he collapsed on my driveway. We never knew exactly why but we sensed the plane ride and the trip was really just too much for his body. We all knew that would be his last trip. But after a few months the bug bit us again and we started to talk about maybe another trip, maybe he could do Vegas if one of my boys went with them. That was not to be however, his health was full of ups and downs and he never really felt good enough to make a plan.
I know the ache in my heart will eventually ease. I know the memories I have will comfort me at some point. I try to console myself with the fact that by taking him quickly my Dad did not suffer the indignities his illness would have eventually brought to him not to mention the pain and diminished quality of life that stretched as a certainty before him. Unlike my poor Nani who lived the last 3 years of her life in a nursing home unsure of who we were and making it impossible to visit without questioning the reason why the body is allowed to sustain itself without the mind. We the living are hurt and confused. I try to believe God did my Dad a favor by giving him the greatest gift of mercy. I'm trying to understand and believe but I am only a mere mortal with a broken heart. I miss you Dad.

2009-02-03T10:47:00.007-05:00

This Is The Hamptons...

In 1926 Fitzgerald published one of his finest stories, ''The Rich Boy,'' whose narrator begins it with the words ''Let me tell you about the very rich. They are different from you and me.''

More than 80 years later that statement rings as true today as it did then. Though Christie Brinkley opened up the east end to ridicule this summer with her high profile divorce, she is far from the only one from the east end showing us all here how different our lives are "Up Island." I actually found myself threatening to tell a judge in Central Islip about the extravagant spending of one litigant and expressing my belief that the judge would be appalled at such a revelation. The response to me shocked me all the more...."This is the Hamptons" I was told, as if this readily explained the extravagance that was displayed before me. Excess is Excess, whether it be in the Hamptons, Rodeo Drive or Mont ego Bay. When parties are going through a divorce a more critical eye is cast at even the most wealthy.

Perhaps a $300 pair of jeans purchased monthly before a divorce was acceptable, in all likelihood once an action is started, it will not be. For most of us the purchase of a $2000.00 purse for a 12 year old girl is something we would never be able to justify....for those who live in the Hamptons apparently it becomes their justification for the purchase.

2009-01-14T14:37:00.004-05:00

Mom, I'm Very Stressed Out

Out of my four children, my second eldest has always told me he wants to take over my business. For the passed few summers during his school vacation he has been working in my office doing everything from changing light bulbs to delivering documents to the courthouse. Now that he is in his last year of high school he is also working part time during the week. My oldest son who has never had any desire to know what I do, was in need of a job during his college break. In that we were short handed I offered him a part time job at my office and told him his younger brother would train him.

It has been about two weeks into this little family affair and my oldest came home from the office yesterday and expressed to me: "Mom, I'm very stressed out." Both his brother and I thought this was quite an amusing statement since all last summer he made fun of his brother for "relaxing in the air conditioning all day" while he toiled away as a counsellor in summer camp sweating with the campers.

Gradually my family is discovering what Mom actually does and they are realizing it is not all sweetness and light.
Using your brain for a living can be more exhausting than using your brawn. Especially when it involves multi-tasking. Welcome to the real world my boy.

2009-01-04T13:02:00.004-05:00

Indefensible

What does a Long Island divorce lawyer have in common with a Bronx criminal defense lawyer? The answer is: Their shared disenchantment with justice in the American judicial system.

I just finished reading the book "Indefensible" by Author and creator of the television show "Raising the Bar" David Feige. I would love to take credit for discovering David but in actuality it was he who "discovered" me so to speak. David read a comment I wrote on a blog called "Blond Justice" where I described an amazing on the record directive by a judge to a child not to watch a particular television show. It just so happened that show was David's creation and he wrote to me asking for details. Hence, we chatted a bit and I ordered his book which I just got the chance to finish during the holiday "break." I managed to finish the book in about 2 days and understand why it has been considered controversial. David uses actual names of judges, something I avoided in my own book and talks about actual cases where the outcomes were sometimes unbelievable let alone unjust.

Although I have never practiced in the Bronx Criminal Courts I have had occasion to be before the judges in the Bronx Supreme as well as judges in just about every borough row. Now suffice it to say I stay locally but the characteristics David describes in this book relating to the judiciary in the Bronx can just as easily be applied to the judiciary on the Island.

I too have left the court house on some days and literally cried in my car on the way back to my office over a miscarriage of justice which was perpetrated before my own eyes. I have been present when a judge offhandedly removed custody from one parent who had been the sole custodial parent for over 10 years because she felt that the attorney handling the case as well as the parent were somehow disrespectful to her honor and felt the need to show some judicial supremacy regardless of the damage which would be done to the children involved. I have witnessed judges literally ruin lives of clients financially with over burdensome support orders which could never be paid causing unjust enrichment to one party and the complete financial destruction of the other. I have seen stay at home moms vilified by their monied spouses because they could afford to out spend and out lawyer these women and judges tired and uninterested seeing these "Fathers of the Year" as the better parent even if it means a nanny will be mothering the children instead of the child's own mother who is readily available in the name of judicial neutrality on the issue of parenting.
Many times I have bit my lip and tongue until almost bloody in order to avoid being handcuffed in the courtroom following the ranting of judge who knew nothing of the law but chose instead to lecture me in a manner reminiscent of a school mar me. I too have smiled stiffly at the patronizing and nasty court officer or clerk who had the power to place my case at the bottom of a pile effectively ruining my day and ability to earn a living.
I have lived on commissary pretzels during trials and gained worry pounds over decisions whose outcomes I could have never predicted. Like David, I am able to gage most of the judges I now appear before and usually, tell whether or not a particular judge will see a particular argument favorably. Other times it is the roll of the dice.
One thing I think David and I heartily agree upon....to the average citizen: If you can avoid the judicial system do it. Do not seek justice in the halls of justice, you will be greatly disappointed.
Read "Indefensible" it is a good read.

2008-12-24T09:34:00.002-05:00

You've Been Served.....Still Loving Facebook??

Just read an interesting article where an Australian judge allowed service on a party through the internet on the person's facebook account. Challengable surely, but how far can the United States courts be from this type of substitute service....of course unless you get one of our Suffolk county judges who don't believe at all in substitute service.

The Aussie Lawyer had this to say: "In civil courts, there has always been the facility to apply for substituted service in cases where a defendant may be difficult to find or evidence suggests they are deliberately evading documents being served on them."

Courts usually leave legal documents at a defendant's last known address or somewhere they know family members are.

Mr Moore said the Facebook option was a novel way of serving documents and probably an effective option of bringing court action to someone's attention

Australian courts have given permission in the past for people to be served via email and text messages when it was not possible to serve them in person.
Just something else to think about as you diary your entire life for the world to see and critique on the internet............

2008-12-11T11:19:00.001-05:00

Hello Gov. I'm applying for the Sentate Seat

Even before the State of Illinois realized they still had problem with the Chicago political mentality we here in New York were witnessing our Governor grapple with the Sentate vacancy of our Jr. Senator.

Many names have been bandied about and then we heard that the famous and infamous were calling the Governor directly to ask for consideration. What ever happened to posting the job listing and forwarding a resume?? Not once you get into this level of government apparantly.

Caroline Kennedy who I don't beleive has ever practiced law but has been active in writing books and fundraising expressed an interest in her Uncle's old seat. I'm not quite sure if she has ever held a real job but I cannot take away from her the philithropic good deeds she has done with the family money and name. We are told she called the Gov. directly to express her interestin the senate seat. Now of course the average New Yorker doesn't have the Govornor's cell number but I bet Caroline does. Now we hear "The Nanny" is also interested in running. What are her qualifications again?? Oh yeah, having an incredibly annoying voice will certainly play well in Washington. They may vote with her just to shut her up!

Finally, a real contender has thrown his hat into the ring announcing that although he is not of the same party as the Governor and doesn't expect an appointment, he has advised that he will run for the seat when the election comes around. Bravo Peter King!! Yes I must admit having a woman replace Hillary would be nice, but I prefer to have someone qualified and not someone just looking for a career change. Congressman Peter King knows Washington politics, works hard for Long Island and is not dabbling. Our state needs to be lead by proven leaders not by rich socialites or starlets tired of afternoon tea and tennis outings.

2008-12-03T15:02:00.001-05:00

Paternity in NY

"You should have married the mother," I remember saying to my client when he asked why I was asking him to jump through hoops to prove that he was indeed the father of the child. Many people unfamiliar with the law think that only a judicial determination of paternity, known as an Order of Filiation can in fact prove paternity in the event of an unmarried couple. Such is not the case in the State of NY. In the hospital as the mother is filling out the birth certificate, the parents can execute an Acknowldedgement of Paternity which is then filed with birth certificate and under the Family Court Act Section 516 satisfies the legal requirement for proof of paternity. No further order or decree from a magistrate is thereafter required. But you need to retain the proof or be able to get your hands on in if a custody battle insues.
When parties are married the law automatically presumes that the husband is the father of any child born during the marriage and no such documents are necessary nor are court orders required.

2008-11-18T07:28:00.001-05:00

New Blog

Please note that I have developed a new blog which will hopefully evolve into an interactive site. It is called The Marriage Maven and you can access it right from the links to the right

Please feel free to offer topics of discussion and ask questions. I am excited about this new venture and hope you will be too so please let me know what you think-
Maven

2008-11-16T09:18:00.001-05:00

For Those of You Still Posting Pictures:

I am still getting people trying to convince me that Facebook and Myspace are wonderful outlets to connect with family and friends. Placing pictures of family and friends on the Internet is just something I have a hard time feeling comfortable about. All of you need to read a post from a fellow blogger who had her pictures taken from her site and put on a porno site. She was notified by some good Samaritan and the pictures were removed. What in fact if she had never known and met some people who had run across her pictures on such a site? Would their view of this women have been tainted? What about prospective employers? Go to her site and read her horror story: http://blawgcoop.com/lawmom/

2008-11-10T14:07:00.003-05:00

I'm losing my house....Who can I sue?

Just when you thought you've heard it all my office received a call today from a distraught home owner. The woman indicated that she was in the process of re-negotiating her mortgage with her mortgage company; a concept that until very recently was unheard of. Well she and her husband thought how unfair this whole recession and credit crisis was to people like them and thought that there had to be someone they could sue for causing this. So like any good citizens they opened the phone book and called a local attorney asking who they could sue to cure their ills.

Well my thought was perhaps like GM and Chrysler they could call the treasury department and ask for a bail out. I'm sure they will need less than the 25 million the car companies are asking for so this could be treasury chump change. The question to ask is whether to put in the request during the lame duck administration or once President Elect Obama gets into office. I pretty much have been of the opinion that once the election was over the economy would loosen up some and at least in my business that has been correct. So far I can say an Obama Presidency is good for divorce.
Let's hope his presidency winds up being just as good for the country and the economy.
By the way a funny comment was made to me about my book....yes believe it or not it is actually selling....a judge who read it sent a comment through a friend that he knew I was talking about him when I prefaced my comments on judges before advising the free world to stay clear of the men in the black robes. While this observation is indeed true and he is one of a handful of judges I have nothing but admiration for, my friend said she thought they would all think they were in that group so no worries about offending anyone! I wasn't worried...the truth is a complete defense.
****

By the way save the date January 21st at the Garden Grill in Smithtown 7:00pm I am speaking for Divine Divorce..Don't let me speak to an empty room

2008-11-05T16:53:00.000-05:00

Raising the Bar My New Obsession

Yes, I have always been one of those people who needed to do whatever I was told not to do. Tell me not to eat the cookie, I eat the cookie. Tell me not to read the book, I read the book. Tell me not to watch the show, I watch the show. The judge in my case as you may remember from my prior blog, prohibited a 15 year old minor from viewing the show because "everyone is sleeping with everyone." My husband who cannot understand why in the world I would want to watch a show about what I do every day refused to turn over the remote the one time I had caught a glimpse. Watching this show has therefore now become my project dejour. Plus to make matters interesting one of the creators of the show has found his way to my blog and actually commented on a post. So now I really have to stand up and take notice of this new addition to must see TNT TV.

Now the first episode while not as riveting as I am told other episodes actually are, posed some interesting issues for me. As a matrimonial maven and not a criminal maven, I was intrigued that it was allowable for a prosecuting attorney to keep information regarding a potential witness a secret. Especially when that information is that the witness is DEAD!!! Absurd I yelled at my screen. I quickly quizzed my partner who IS a criminal maven and he advised me that indeed the show was accurate. Now that is a foul as far as I'm concerned and should be thrown out as predjudicial. Geez and I thought practicing matrimonial law was playing hardball!!
I could aptly relate to the woman who had her husband arrested for domestic violence and then wanted him released because she couldn't afford the house without him. Now that is more in line with what I deal with every day. But the public defender who was married to the drug addicted doctor, who actually thought about stating that the drugs he prescribed were for her instead, risking her license, put me over the edge. Alright I will be watching another episode this week and will blog about my thoughts if anyone is interested. I'm still not sure what I think of the show, but it did keep my attention so I guess that is good. Stay tuned.....

2008-10-31T07:47:00.000-04:00

Psychics the Flintstones and the Economy

As a divorce attorney I sometimes though not always equate myself with a fortune teller. Once a potential client comes to speak with me I can pretty much determine whether or not they will be back to see me or another attorney and begin divorce proceedings. No, I don't have any statistical data on this but usually based on the types of questions asked of me I know if this is a chronic issue that will not be resolved or merely a "bitch" session as if I'm a free therapist allowing the individual to vent and complain about their spouse for 15 minutes or so.

We all would like to know things about our future and I am no exception. My Achilles heel is the Psychic world. No not the cheap fortune tellers on the boardwalk at Atlantic City, or the ladies who advertise out of their rented store fronts. I am not that proud to admit I spend ridiculous amounts of money when I choose to hear from the dead and seek out the masters of their field. Last week I treated my mother to a galley session with the very well known John Edward. Not to be confused with the politician John Edwards, with whom my confused son thought I was going to see but couldn't fathom why.

John Edward is a Long Island born and raised Psychic with amazing abilities,as one can ascertain from watching his television show and the ticket price he commands shows he his stature and demand. Looking for a present for my mother is getting increasingly more difficult now that she and my father can no longer travel, so when I saw that Edward was local and the date was on my deceased grandmother's birthday, I thought I was receiving a sign that we should attend this Galley reading.

The tickets and the website make it quite clear that even though you are paying an outrageous amount of money that no one is guaranteed a reading. Thinking however, that all the stars were in alignment and being the eternal optimist I am, I was sure that John would be calling up my deceased family to talk with me. I should have known however, upon our arrival that it would be a disappointing evening in that although we weren't' late the only seats available were in the last row. As a veteran watcher of the show however, I knew that if John was going to read me he would find me in the bathroom if my relatives were persistent enough.

Watching Edward go from family to family, all around us to no avail I started to become somewhat despondent. My friend who also joined us in this adventure attempted to raise my spirits by indicating that perhaps my dead relatives had nothing to say to me! Then when all I thought we would never get a reading John asked a group of people in front what the Flintstones reference meant to them. Seeing my golden opportunity I started to raise my hand and jump from the back row knowing John was looking for me. "What are you doing??" my mother gasped as she pulled my hand down. "Flintstones...that's us!! I almost yelled." "What are you saying?" asked my very concerned friend. "Barbera" I said, "The Flinstones were a Hanna-Barbera Production." I always say that when people mispronounce our name, as if I have two first names: Barbra. "No", claimed my friend, "listen he is all the way up there not back here...and he is asking for a Bam Bam or Pebbles."

Lost opportunity I still say, for I am sure that the reference was a meek relative throwing a curve ball out there. No we weren't read that night but my psychic abilities tell me we were supposed to be, just as they are telling me this slow divorce season brought on by the slow economy is just temporary.

It's a quality of life decision I tell all of my prospective clients. You can choose to stay miserable or move on and become happy. Divorce is certainly not cheap and should not be decided upon on a whim. But unlike the choice to see a psychic, seeking out a divorce attorney should be a well thought out decision. In that I don't see dead people or spirits during a consultation I can see when a party is miserable and would do well to seek a better life. Those in bad situations need to get over their guilt of breaking up dysfunctional families and find the money necessary to make their lives and the lives of their children healthier and happier. It was amazing to me that a psychic like John Edward was able to pack that room at $175.00 per head with no guarantees. I guess people find the money when they want to but not always when they need to.

2008-10-27T07:47:00.002-04:00

Yes I am Hawking my Book

I have been diligently reading how to market my now complete book, which if you haven't seen is now available on Amazon.com. I have also attempted to contact Barnes and Noble and Borders. As I figured there are all sorts of hoops one must jump through in order to make your book available through these big store. One idea I thought was possible however, was offered by Barnes and Noble. They suggest talking to the local manager of one of their stores and asking them to host an author's event. Of course all of the advertising is on the author but it is a way of introducing your book to a group of people all at once. As I was ruminating over this idea and liking it more each day I opened the paper today and read that one of my all time favorite authors is indeed having an event at the Barnes & Noble I was going to call. So here is how I imagined my meeting would go now with the manager.

"Hello, I my name is Janine Barbera. I am a local author with a book that just came out and I am inquiring about doing an event at your location."
Manager: "My location?"
Me: "Yes, Sir. I live locally and thought I could attract a decent number of individuals into the store."
Manager: "My location is sponsoring Nelson DeMille this week."
Me "Yes, I did read that, and frankly I planned to attend, he is one of my favorite authors."
Manager: "You see we really only host authors with a following. The idea is to attract people to the event and later they roam the store."
Me: "Yes, I do understand that and I thought perhaps on a slow week I would be able to have an event and bring some traffic into the store."
Manager: "What is a slow week? We are heading into the holiday season. And did I mention Nelson DeMille is having an event?"
Me. "Yes you did mention it."
Manager "Well we really only have events for established authors last week we hosted that guy from the Food Network."
Me: "Yes, I had never heard of him but I did see that."
Manager: "Hey I have a great idea...why not come to Nelson DeMille's event and ask him to mention your book? You know bring a bagful of copies and at the intermission tell him you are a big fan, these guys eat that up and maybe he will grab the mike and give you a shout out."
Me: "I'm not sure that is appropriate really..and I don't want to walk in like some bag lady.."
Manager: "No No trust me this will work...listen I feel bad for you but frankly this is the only way you will get any exposure here at Barnes & Noble. I have to go now, we are setting up for the DeMille event. Thanks for calling."

2008-10-22T08:27:00.001-04:00

Braving the Divorce Maze
My New Book is Available!

It has taken quite a while but my book is finally available for purchase. There is a link on this blog to Amazon.com. I am told there is also a link on Target.com. My brother has informed me that makes me a minor celebrity. Whatever that means. If you enjoy my blogs you will love my book. It is more or less a compilation of what I write here in a more orderly fashion. Ideally those contemplating divorce, or anyone who knows someone who is should read the book first before consulting with an attorney. The book is meant to be more or less a reference book or handbook for anyone in a marriage that may be less than perfect. In light of the divorce statistics that would mean just about everyone should read the book! If you enjoy the book please send me your comments or feel free to post a review on Amazon. If you don't like the book, I'm sorry and please vent your hatred elsewhere~!

Coming out this time of year makes the book the perfect gift, Amazon has gift wrap services available! Ok enough hawking the book...off to court.

2008-09-15T13:19:00.000-04:00

The Cycle of Divorce

Back to School time always seems to spur people to action, much the same way Spring Cleaning and the start of the New Year warrant the need to change. The cycle of divorce has begun and will travel along at a steady pace usually until the start of the holidays. While these cycles tend to remain constant I am continually amazed by the complacency in which some people, women especially live their lives. Younger women continue to sit in my office without benefit of a formal education or technical skill and claim ignorance of their household finances. Often times they are not even ashamed of their ignorance stating that they enjoyed being "taken care of." Sadly I feel we as a generation have still not evolved. Even in this day where we almost had a Presidential Female candidate and indeed have a Vice Presidential Female candidate many women are still content to remain in the shadows of their husbands. Choosing to stay at home to raise your children is not mutually exclusive with a women's right to be informed of the finances of her household.
Although the candidates clearly are mavericks raising children and working as some of us indeed do it is not a choice made by all women. Choices are what this election is all about. It is also what distinguishes women who divorce successfully, they are better informed about their finances. As the female candidates take center stage and tell us what they will do for us once they ascend to Washington perhaps we can ask them to tell us the secrets to their successful career rise. I venture to bet that they are well informed as to their businesses and finances and in fact chances are they were the architects of their financial portfolio's or at the very least active participants in creating same. Shooting a moose may in fact be one of Palin's claims to fame but I'm sure if she ever wanted to dump "the first dude" he would have more to worry about than her fire arm abilities. Women need to take what they can from the candidates and at least stretch themselves and become better informed.
(By the way the picture of Palin and her child next to the dead moose sickens me....as a mother and humanitarian)

2008-08-25T10:01:00.003-04:00

Summer Divorce in The Hampton's

Every since the drama of the Christie Brinkley trial concluded, Long Island's poster child for women wronged has become more popular than ever. Christie at age 50 plus can be seen adorning the cover of many glamor magazines and is literally the toast of the town out here in neverland. The Hampton's never believed for a moment that it was Christie who turned the divorce in the media event of the year. Christie is just a victim in their eyes and she is now more famous than ever. Role model for every woman who has ever been cheated upon, Christie made everyone believe that it was her skunk husband who proliferated the litigation and not she. The truth lies somewhere in between in that while it was true that the custody trial was really just a legal maneuver to force a settlement by Peter Cook, the fact that settlement took so long to occur can squarely be placed on Christie's desire to publicly destroy her cheating man. As a woman who can blame her. As an attorney she probably walked a very tight rope in settling so close to the presentation of Cook's case. There are always skeletons in the closet and in all likelihood Ms. Brinkley had her share. None of which would have helped to enhance her celebrity.
Litigating just enough for just long enough however has succeeded in catapulting her right into the mix of polite society here in the East and increasing her already overflowing coffers of cash. That's OK, she needs to pay off the ex husband....good riddance. Good job Christie.

2008-08-04T11:21:00.001-04:00

What happened to being prepared??

In the last two weeks I have been very frustrated with those in my profession. When given a task I am not one to wait until the last minute, just ask my kids. I am on top of them to finish projects and reports weeks in advance just so they don't get into the procrastination mode so prevalent in our society. When I am the counsel preparing a stipulation to settle, I usually get them out within one week of our discussions. The adversary has plenty of time to review the document and make comments and suggestions and allow for some back and forth with me in plenty of time of the next court date. When I am the one review such a document, I again have my response complete within days and forward it to my adversary, again in sufficient time to either avoid the court date entirely or have things worked out in time. Inevitably, what is happening more and more is my adversary chooses to leave the review of whatever documents they have in their possession until one or two days before our court date. Of course I always follow up well in advance to check on the status of theses things and I am always put off by secretaries taking messages. I have been told by attorneys that they have been busy and that they have other matters and just couldn't get to this case.
This excuse never fails to incense me. Never do I use such an excuse and let me tell you, I know few attorneys who have schedules as busy as mine. Not to say my practice alone is overwhelming, but couple that with my job as wife and mother of four and tell me who has less hours to spare in a 24 hour period. I challenge any adversary to put their schedules up to mine and then tell me they couldn't fit in what I have managed to do. Certainly my reputation proceeds me and most judges will rely on my information and numbers because they know that I am usually quite prepared when I discuss my cases in chambers. My clients also know that they get the best money for their dollar with me in that I rarely force a case to go to court if we can avoid an appearance. So what is it with my profession????
This is extremely frustrating to me and difficult to rationalize to my clients. If we all got on the same page perhaps we could turn the tide of popular distrust of attorneys as a whole and get back some of the respect those of us who are committed to our profession deserve.

2008-07-07T07:09:00.002-04:00

To All Of My Divorce Clients

I told you there is life after divorce. None of you are quite ready to hear it when you enter my office, but life does get better. Here is an article which you should read which makes my point.

Dating again: The upside!
Women share what they were surprised to discover about dating after divorce-hey, it's all good. http://msn.match.com/msn/article.aspx?articleid=7742

2008-06-26T11:55:00.003-04:00

Graduation Day

My son is graduating today. My youngest son graduated on Tuesday. Well, Tuesday was actually a moving up day but today is a real end of the line graduation. Surprisingly on Tuesday I was an emotional mess as I watched my little boy turn from a 5th grader into a 6th grade boy before my eyes. Maybe it was the slide show that chronicled his and his friends lives from Kindergarten throughout elementary. He grew from baby to young boy before my eyes. I was teary right from the moment the first slide came on and wept throughout the ceremony as my husband and kids smiled with delight at Mom's emotional breakdown.
Today strangely enough I am not feeling the same emotion I felt on Tuesday. I tried to examine the reason and though it is yet to be seen as to whether I will weep again as my child walks up to get his diploma, I sense that I am more excited than sad today. On Tuesday I felt that my baby was now a young boy and the loss of his "babyhood" upset me. Today I am proud and excited that my son is a young man about to embark on what I consider the most exciting time of his life.
My oldest will be entering college in the fall and I am thrilled for him as he leaves the confines of High School and ventures out to explore the horizons of higher education. Gone are the clicks and hopefully the peer pressure so insidious in our public high schools. I have always felt that Colleges are more accepting of the individual and encourage such individuality as opposed to the cookie cutter mentality of public high schools. This has been a very exciting week for our household and households throughout Long Island. I wish the very best to the Class of 2008....

PS..6/27/08....I wept at the High School gradution also!!!

2008-06-20T02:19:00.001-04:00

Facebook, My Space, Dating...Just Say NO

When I first started practicing matrimonial law I never imagined that adults would find it necessary to put pictures of themselves on the Internet. I certainly never imagined these pictures would include their children and the thought of these pictures being inappropriate never would have crossed my mind. Fast forward to the year 2008 and now after practicing for 21 years I have the need to add a new question to my matrimonial intakes. "Are there any inappropriate pictures of you on the Internet? If so remove them, immediately." Why grown men and women think it's a good idea to expose themselves to the entire world is something I have trouble comprehending.
Lately it seems that every motion which comes into my office has exhibits of pictures from an account on My Space, or Facebook. Are these pictures always damaging? No. Is it a fatal flaw to an otherwise valid case? No. But just like dating when you are involved in a divorce case, it is unnecessary and just one other thing for our adversary to try to latch on to in order to discredit a client's character or credibility. Also I find that many of my clients fail to disclose to me that they even have such an account or website, and that my first exposure to it comes in the form of paperwork from the adversary showing me things about my client I would sometimes rather not have the world see. Putting one's children on the Internet is a rather unsavory practice but many parents seem to have no trouble doing it especially in the context of trying to humanize themselves to attract members of the opposite sex. While this is more common in post matrimonial cases, these pictures of children on these accounts is widely frowned upon by the courts in general. Words are one thing..pictures tell a whole other story.
So to sum it up:

Get pictures of your kids off the Internet.
Get naked pictures of yourself off the Internet.
Get all inappropriate pictures off of your sight.
No dating until there is a divorce settlement.
If all of this offends you....please find yourself another attorney.

PS. And I invite anyone out there to explain to me why grown people have the need for a MY Space or Face Book account in the first place.

2008-06-15T16:03:00.000-04:00

I Need To Be Relieved

Occasionally, some of my clients feel they no longer need to live up to the terms of the engagement agreement they sign with me which says, as long as I do work on the file, they have to pay me. While in the thick of the divorce, often times money gets tight and people get angry and lawyers get.....shafted. Our clients tell us we need to wait to get paid and that we should know all about why they can't pay us and ask that we understand their financial predicament. That of course is all very true, however, what most clients fail to consider is that my bills also need to get paid. Lipa and the telephone company are not at all interested in the fact that my clients are not paying their bills and therefore I cannot pay them. My employees are not very understanding when I ask them to skip a paycheck because after all we are here to help people first, and make money second. Usually I offer many different payment plans and will help any client who shows me a good faith effort. Going hand in hand with the "I can't pay you" attitude is the "I am not happy with your representation of me.." Most recently I was told "You really aren't a shark, and my case is cut and dry; You should have done more with it." Now couple those two things together with the ever present, "why do I have to bring you all these documents? For what I pay you can't you just subpoena what you need?"

For anyone who has ever been involved in any kind of litigation, you know the more information you as the client can produce the less the lawyer will charge in hourly fees to obtain them. Subpoenas are not free, they cost money to draft and to serve. I am an attorney, not a gofer..or secretary..or your employee....I am a professional hired to handle your divorce case and get you the best deal I can. I am not in a personality contest, or popularity contest and I really don't care if you think I am not bitchy enough, or too bitchy. I am doing my job the best way that I know how. If you do not like the way I am handling your case, fire me. Retain new counsel and we shall part ways.....oh but why should they fire me when they aren't paying me you ask? That is the essence of this article. Now I need to apply to the court and ask that the judge relieve me as counsel. Most times the judge will ask why and most times they are not sympathetic to the fact that we as attorneys aren't getting paid. Therefore, this can only be one factor in the decision to be relieved. Once communication with the client is broken and we can no longer work together, combined with the fact that I AM NOT GETTING PAID, will often lead me to ask for relief..... this is what I needed to do this week. And you know what...it was a tremendous help in reducing my stress level....Now I am free to concentrate on clients who appreciate me, and pay me.

2008-05-27T12:11:00.002-04:00

How Much Justice Can You Afford??

We are getting close to the point in some of my hotly contested cases where it comes time to settle or try the case. Many a case has been settled as they say "on the courthouse steps." At the eleventh hour, the clients, the attorneys or most often the judge in the part forces everyone to sit down and put their best efforts forward to attempt one last time to settle a matter before they agree to start a trial.

Many times this comes down to a mere dollars and cents argument, with one party or the other holding on to a principal rather than a real point which in all likelihood would cost more to litigate than to resolve. I'm always up for a trial, but frankly the outcome is never usually satisfying to the parties. I have had this discussion with clients repeatedly over the course of my practice,and emotion still controls many. Unless we absolutely cannot agree, or have any compromise then we go to trial. We need to go to trial for all the right reasons. Here are a list of reasons why you should NOT go to trial:

- You want the judge to see what a bad egg your spouse really is;
- You want the judge to see what a great person you are;
- You want the judge to see how reasonably you are willing to be;
- You want the judge to dispense Justice;
- You want the judge to put your spouse in jail;
- You want the judge to hear your side of the story

All of the above are all the wrong reasons to seek judicial intervention. Whether or not the judge thinks your spouse is a bad egg will be irrelevant to his or her ultimate decision. The decision will be based on the applicable law, not usually on the judges impression of either party unless their is a credibility issue. Dispensing justice can be a relative term. What is justice to one party may in fact not be justice to another party. Very rarely does a judge in a civil case put a litigant in jail. Where there are children involved and a child support issue, it also rarely makes sense to jail the monied spouse putting everyone in danger of joining the welfare rolls. Please also make no mistake on this one, the judge is not at all interested in hearing your side of the story. The judge wants your case to be settled between you and your spouse, the last thing he or she wants to do is make a decision.

So it comes down to the age old question: How much justice can you afford? Are we settling or rockin' and rollin' and calling our first witness? I am a mere servant to you oh client...pay my fee and direct me.....your wish is my command...just be prepared for the outcome.

2008-05-07T13:06:00.002-04:00

To All My Clients....

After practicing for so long in the field of matrimonial law I have had the opportunity to witness some of grossest miscarriages of justice. I have argued with judges sometimes at my own peril with contempt loosely hanging over my head while I made passionate pleas for them to actually act in the best interests of the children. Since I never represent a client who fails to put their children first, these arguments are gender neutral as I make my impassioned statements sometimes to all but a deaf ear. Once a deal is cut however, I want you to know that I am exceedingly proud of most of you with the way in which you brush yourself off and soldier on with your lives making the best of any deficiencies left open by the justice system. Many of you are now single parent households, suffering financial blows due to the loss of a second income. Many of you have to reinvent yourselves either financially or otherwise to become the people and parents you now need to be. To those of you suffering from the loss of a bad trial decision, I applaud your ability to look ahead to a bright new day without the albatross of the spouse who dragged you and your children down. To all my male clients, the way you have taken over as primary parent or continued in this role you amaze me as you make bracelets with your daughters or teach your sons the best way to cook smoores with macaroni and cheese. The judicial system chooses to judge you all, my dear clients, and criticise your skills as a parent. What the judge fails to see is your pain, and hurt and the fact that you are doing the best that you can under the circumstances. Your children are doing well assured in your love but they are probed and picked at by their law guardians and forensic experts. The reason they fail to express themselves is because they love both of their parents and can't begin to understand how such a monumental decision as to where they will live should be left to them. Afterall they have nothing to say about their bed time, why should they be consulted about something which will effect the rest of their lives? So dear clients please be aware that I although I am here to help if I can, your fate after the dust settles is really up to you. As most of you see it as a new day, I too revel in your excitement and want you to know I am proud to have been your attorney.

2008-05-01T13:33:00.001-04:00

Children In Control

It seems to be an epidemic where children have been given an amazing amount of control over their lives by warring parents involved in divorce and custody matters. Recently I have a number of cases, where the children are refusing to attend school, threatening bodily harm to those around them and basically running amok. The parents seem to be throwing up their hands in surrender placing blame on the other parent and on a system that ties their hands as parents in the discipline of their children. While there is some validity to this complaint, it stems mostly from the possibility of charges brought forth by the other parent who seeks to utilize the court system to their own advantage at the expense of their children. The courts must wake up to the fact that the empowerment of these children is creating a very dangerous generation being unleashed upon society. These are the children who make the papers in places like Columbine. These are the children who are arrested for making threats to their fellow students. These are the future felons of the world. I am never one to count a child out, and it pains me to be involved in cases where the judge feels the child is already a lost cause. As the mother of four, I never like to think any child is a lost cause. Parents, even those getting divorced, need to put their differences aside in order to properly discipline and parent their children. By creating these children they have a responsibility to insure that they grow into law abiding responsible adults. Putting their own self interests ahead of their children these parents really should be punished for their failure to properly parent the children they bring into this world. As a legal system we should be less willing to hear allegations against parents who are disciplining their children. We must make better decisions about making the distinction between abuse and discipline. How is it that abuse tends to be regularly overlooked but parents who are involved in a divorce regularly have the discipline of their children scrutinized by everyone from the law guardian to the forensic psychologists? Many of these "experts" are not even parents themselves, but regularly pass judgement on those involved in messy divorce cases. Mandatory therapy is not such a bad idea where the problems of the divorce have effected the children of the marriage. Parenting classes, and judges more willing to look into allegations by parents of abuse instead of just assuming that where there is smoke there must be a raging fire, may stop the trend. Or maybe adults need to just start acting like adults and let the kids be kids without adult problems.

2008-04-19T07:18:00.001-04:00

The Real Wizard of Oz..
Anyone who knows anything about the legal system will tell you the most powerful people in the system are not the judges, but the clerks. The judges clerks can keep you miles away from justice if they don't like you, and the clerks in the office can reject your paperwork indefinitely keeping you and your spouse legally wed into the next millennium. Hence, everyone knows you have to be nice to the judge and even nicer to his "people."
I consider myself always nice and respectful, and usually I do not get the hard times many attorneys who are full of themselves get from these "masters of the universe."
A week or so ago an adversary and I settled a rather messy divorce case and we had our documentation signed, initialed and notarized and were anxious to get it into the court for filing. We had asked that the judge "so order" it a rather unusual step, but one sometimes utilized when attorneys fear that either client may try to undue what has been done and this step takes the stipulation from mere contract to court order. We had faxed the requisite letter advising the court of the settlement and attached the appropriate pages and in that I was going to court that day I thought I would drop off the agreements to chambers.
A phone call was from the clerk of the chambers indicating that he needed to speak with myself and my adversary on a conference call sometime that day involving the settlement. Of course it is difficult to track down lawyers on any given day due to our in and out schedules. My adversary was finally tracked down by her office and we thought we would meet up at the courtroom and see what the problem was.
In that I arrive myself earlier than other counsel, I knocked on the locked courtroom door. It was odd that the door was locked in the first place, but that reason became when I called chambers and they told me the judge was on vacation. I asked to speak with the clerk who called and asked him to come to the locked door to speak with me in that I had the signed stipulations. The secretary, while being incredibly polite advised me almost apologetically that the clerk would not come to the door. She claimed he insisted that my adversary and I do a conference call with him later that day.
Now this felt like OZ. I was knocking at the gates of the Emerald City and was being told that the great and powerful Oz would not grant me an audience! As I attempted to myself with this my adversary happened by to ask me what was going on. I told her what had transpired and after a few unkind words about the ridiculousness of it all, we tried calling chambers again. Of course this time we asked for the audience on behalf of both of us who were now knocking on the other side of the locked courtroom door.
Reluctantly the clerk came out to speak with us. It seems his concerns about our agreement were unfounded in that we had the stipulation in the right format and complied in advance with all of the requirements for so ordering such a stipulation.
Now jokingly my staff refers to me as the Great and Powerful Oz because I make them vet each phone call and not let just anyone through to me, but this takes it all to a new height. Thankfully, another client was at the courthouse with me that day and witnessed this situation. He nodded his head and acknowledged to me that he now understood why I demanded the hourly rate I charged and why the wheels of justice turned as slowly as they did.

2008-03-22T08:25:00.002-04:00

Easter Blessing and the New Dr. Freud

"You have to write this in your blog" My friend yelled to me from across the room. "You don't even read my blog." I volleyed back to her. "Yeah, but it could help someone, you were right..tell them my story."

So here is my friend's story at her request:

As every couple's relationship has their hill and valleys so does my friend's marriage. During a "valley" period, my girl pal was sure that a marriage counselor would be quite beneficial and convinced her unwilling husband to finally go along. The first counselor was a female who apparently did not understand the male psyche enough for her husband, and it was immediately decided after only one session to terminate their relationship with said counselor.

Prior to getting involved with any experts, I had warned my friend about those "professionals" out there who sometimes did more harm than good, and that perhaps instead of getting a referral out of a book especially a book only listing who is covered under one's insurance plan, that perhaps a personal referral from a friend or other professional would be more preferable and less risky. Putting expediency ahead of proper preparation, my friend opted to go with a local therapist.

Thinking she had make a mistake upon entering the office is apparently an understatement. As she described the scene to me it appeared she and her husband walked into either a drug rehabilitation center or found themselves smack in the middle of an AA meeting. Quickly looking at the door of the office, it became apparent that this particular therapist shared office space with some other counselors doing a variety of different therapies, marriage counselling was only one area of expertise emanating from the office. After waiting almost 40 minutes for the right to purge their wows..Dr. Freud himself appeared ready to put this marriage back on track. (I will use the term Dr. Freud to identify the Dr. My reasoning will become apparent as you read on.).

Mimicking some accent I couldn't quite grasp she continued her story explaining that the "DR." (whose credentials cannot be verified at this time) advised her husband that he was a male chauvinist(a term not regularly bandied about since the 70's)and that he couldn't help it because he was brought up to be that way.(His mother's fault). My friend was told that once a week...the night specified by this doctor as the evening when all the stars would be in proper alignment for love and the moon would be in Aquarius;the following regimen had to be followed to a tee.
It was my friend's job to make sure the children were all settled and her husband's job to take an afternoon nap. Then at the magically appointed hour dictated by this Dr to be 10 pm, she was to wrap herself in the most provocative attire she could put together and join her husband in the bedroom to enjoy an evening of uninterrupted sex. Thus, he concluded this once a week regime would put their marriage right back on track.

Her husband walked out of the session quite satisfied that he was not responsible for any of the communications problems my friend regularly accused him of because he couldn't help it, and had been absolved of all fault by Dr. Freud. In his mind as long as he had sex with his wife once a week, he was fulfilling his job as a good husband and all would be right with the world.

My friend walked out shaking her head that it would be a cold day in hell before that little scenario unfolded and thus began the new "cold war" within the household! Well folks, tonight is the appointed night, I reminded my friend when I spoke with her this morning. I will do my best to keep you posted, but I tend to think the husband will be watching TV at 10pm tonight, ALONE.

2008-03-15T12:49:00.002-04:00

Infidelity Hotline

"Hello, Infidelity Hotline."
"yes, hi, I would like to report an infidelity."
"Sure, go ahead."
"Well, it was last night at the 70's club you know Port Jazz?"
"Yeah, a hotbed of infidelity we hear. Go on."
"Well, I saw my neighbor's husband with a woman who wasn't his wife."
"ok, What were they doing?"
"Dancing."
"So how do you know he was being unfaithful?"
"Well, they were kind of close."
"Go on. We really need more than that."
"Well, how does this work? Do you call his wife?"
"No. We just keep it on file here, and if the Wife calls us we look it up and tell her if anything has been reported on her spouse."
"Oh, ok, then well, they were kissing on the dance floor."
"That's good enough. I need his name."
" Do you need my name too?"
"No this is completely anonymous."
"Well what's to stop anyone from calling in with bogus information? Don't you check it out?"
"No we just figure where there's smoke there's usually a raging inferno. If the spouse calls here she or he probably has a reason."
"Really doesn't sound too fair to me."
"Yeah well life isn't fair buddy, get over it. Are you going to tell me his name or not? Unless of course you aren't sure about what you saw?
"No, I'm sure. Hey by the way, can you look up my name and tell me if anyone has reported me?"
"Sure."
"You know, never mind, I don't really want to know. And maybe my neighbor doesn't either. Look at Spitzer's wife."
"Ok your call have a nice day."

2008-03-05T15:05:00.002-05:00

Smelling Spring in the Air

I might be just wishful thinking, but I thought I smelled spring in the air today. Perhaps it was only for a minute but I thought I caught the daffodils trying to sneak into winter. The howling of the wind and the teeming of the rain stopped for just a minute today and the blue sky showed through as the temperature actually soared to 60 degrees. My client today, a newly pregnant soon to be divorced woman wondered out loud how I could possibly tell her to enjoy this time of her life. I guess I was remembering my own pregnancies since today my oldest turned 18, and I remember this day all those years ago as if it were just yesterday.

18 years ago there was a snow storm covering the island as I held my newborn in my arms in the hospital. Kathy Lee Gifford had also just given birth to her first child and I remember watching the broadcast from my hospital bed. Sharing my room was someone I was sure would become a lifetime friend for myself and my son. The friendship lasted a few years but didn't survive my divorce. Many of my friendships did not survive my divorce and when I say that to people who have never been divorced they look aghast. Just ask someone going through a divorce and they will tell you about all their fair weathered friends who didn't want it to "rub" off on their relationships and just faded away.

Of course being a single parent is never easy, but given the choice of parenting alone or not parenting at all I would choose parenting alone.
Also recently my longest running case was settled. I will miss the client but certainly not the aggravation of the case. So far a happy client, time will tell if the deal was good, I think it was. More importantly it was time to move on with her life. That is also what I told my client today...time to move on...afterall it's almost spring.

2008-02-12T06:57:00.001-05:00

A Funny Thing Happened on the way to My Divorce Consult

It has been a while since I have blogged, life has gotten in the way of my blogging and I apologize to the masses. This week was a rather interesting week for new consults. Two very interesting people came in the other day prompting the topics of this weeks blog. The first was a very attractive young lady who came in with her mom. She was about 30ish and had more than a few children a couple of whom were girls. The woman announced that she had discovered that her husband had cheated on her and she was in to see what her rights were. Unfortunately, I was able to tell her very little in that she had no idea what her husband made, what her bills were and whether or not they had any bank accounts, other than the checking. She didn't even know her mortgage payment or where if there were any mutual funds or IRA's. Yes, I must admit I felt angry at the lack of attention this woman paid to her financial well being and told her that her lack of knowledge was unacceptable. I informed her that she set herself up to be a victim. The woman answered that she enjoyed being taken care of and announced to her mother that she wasn't "doing this anymore" and stormed out of my office. Now of course this wasn't the first time I have heard this story, but it never ceases to amaze me that young women in this day and age still have that "take care of me" attitude. Now the attitude is fine so long as you are well informed. One doesn't have to pay the bills to know what they are. One doesn't have to be an investment wizard to know where the family investments are. One SHOULD read the income taxes before they sign them!! I apologized to her mother, who thanked me as she left saying I had said everything her family had being saying for years and that perhaps some of my tough talk would work its way through her daughter's brain. I hope so.
Client number two clearly was unsure that a woman such as myself could be A. so busy I had to cancel at least one appointment before with him B. so busy I couldn't devote more than 30 minutes to a free consultation and finally C. that my advice was so different than what he had gotten from at least two male attorneys, (neither of which I would bet was a practicing matrimonial attorney but a dabbler instead) that I must be wrong.
Needless to say neither client retained yesterday....but perhaps I gave them both some food for thought.

2008-01-17T12:13:00.000-05:00

International Legalese via the Internet

My paralegal informed me that there was an English lady on the telephone claiming to be an attorney from England who needed to ask me a quick question about law in the United States. She commented to me that her accent was awesome. Eyeing her suspiciously I told her if it was a salesperson that I would kill her, as I reached for the telephone.

In fact the caller was indeed and attorney(solicitor) I believe the term she used, asking about whether New York would recognize a British divorce. It indeed was a two second question, in that New York recognizes any valid divorce from any other country(which is why Mexican divorces became very popular years ago). The only issue that can arise is if there are children or property involved, New York reserves the right to deal with the equitable distribution of such matters and or child support, custody and visitation. The divorce, however will still be considered valid.

The solicitor indicated that she found me by surfing the Internet. Who would have ever thought that it would be possible to find the name of a colleague in a different country by tapping a few keys and calling them up to ask a quick question to clarify a situation happening in your own office? My new friend has no idea whether I am in Manhattan or Montauk though my website indicates my location, I don't know if she is familiar with the difference in locales; I certainly have no idea where the city of Oxford is (that is where her firm is located)as opposed to London or anywhere else in the UK.

I think back on the argument I had with my partner when I broached the subject of Internet advertising, and how far we have come since that conversation. Yes, I do constantly remind him I needed to drag him into the technical world...and although he is coming around to seeing the value of the website, my blog he still assures me is my own folly. To all potential clients out there, if you found me through my blog, please let me know....maybe then my partner will write in his!!
Headed to Savannah for a girls weekend, will let you know how it goes....pray for warmer weather.

2008-01-10T13:21:00.000-05:00

Priceless

Sometimes, I love my job. Not very often, mind you, but some days everything goes well and I do love what I do. Today was one of those days. As we walked back to chambers my adversary wondered if he was getting too old to deal with matrimonial cases. I laughed and told him that I definitely was! After our conference with the court wherein we outlined all the nonsense that had been happening on our case the judge furious at the clients grabbed her robe and literally flew to the bench. To a packed courtroom the judge handled every issue I had brought to her attention in such an expedited matter that she alleviated any need I had to bring the motions I had already started in my office. That my friend is justice. Now, ordinarily the client should have been thrilled that such an immediate remedy had been given to her from the judge. Nope, not my client. As we exited the courtroom she proceeded to tell me all the things that had not been addressed and complained about at least 10 other matters ignoring what had just been accomplished. All in a days work, as they say.

Th price of a law school education: $115,200
The charge of an average matrimonial retainer: $7500.00
A judge dispensing justice before your eyes: priceless

2008-01-03T11:48:00.000-05:00

Another Year, Another Divorce

January in our business typically booms, and I am happy to report this year is no exception.
We are all happy to end the holidays which are usually spent with much too much family. The artificial rat race to a stress heart attack we are all conditioned to follow starting the week before Thanksgiving and not ending until New Year's Day usually brings and end to the lull of business before the holidays. This year was an exception. If you read my blog at all you know that I had 5 trials scheduled between Thanksgiving and Christmas. Not all of them went to trial, but all of them had to be prepped and dealt with to various degrees. The "break" I was used to did not exist this year and the Holidays always a stressful time wore me down completely. Thankfully the extended time off restored my body and spirit and I live to fight another day.
The new year has brought with it a client who failed to heed my many warnings about the nefarious nature of her husband and one day came home to find almost one million dollars in assets disappear. Another client had her Christmas tree stolen by her soon to be ex husband. One potential client wanted me to draft a custody agreement involving the party's pets, complete with a visitation schedule and support obligation. All in all 2008 promises to be yet another banner year in the field of matrimonial law, as we soon begin the rotation of the judges we see some friendly faces disappear and wonder how the new crop of black robed ones view myself and my colleagues and more importantly how they view their role in the matrimonial law process. Happy New Year!

2007-12-14T13:14:00.001-05:00

Breathing Deeply Before Christmas

This has been the busiest holiday season I have ever had in the matrimonial world. I had four trials scheduled between Thanksgiving and New Years. The first trial settled on the first day of trial, the second trial actually occurred for two days, the third trial is in the process of being settled and the fourth took up 4 full days of settlement negotiations only to be bounced unsettled until the end of February for a new trial date.

To actually appreciate the work involved before trial, a good rule of thumb is one week of preparatory work for every two days of trial.

The four days of settlement negotiations were actually more taxing than being on trial. At least on trial an attorney gets to present her case and not argue points with opposing counsel. Settlement days involve non stop arguing. Even for a seasoned adversary like me such a pace takes its toll physically.

After each trial, my body has screamed "UNCLE" and collapsed into a state of exhaustion needing lots of TLC before the next matter. I thank God for the fortitude of my staff who bolsters me up with their accolades and props my body back up for the next fight, arming me with the documents and case law needed to prove my claims.
Also I have been blessed with clients who actually appreciate my work on their files and see the value of my efforts each time I enter the arena on their behalves.

I have been chided by my colleagues for being overly enthusiastic and aggressive in representing my clients and told on more than one occasion I was advocating like a "guy", a left-handed compliment I think. If only I was able to go home "like a guy" and put up my feet at the end of such a day, instead of starting my second job as Mom..once I walk through the door. When my husband informs me that his day has 15 hours I tell him that my day actually has 16. He laughs and tells me I am very adversarial and that I should save it for court. Well, one attorney told me I should save my "anger" for my husband!

Well, the bottom line is I think although we as women make inroads every day, it is still a man's world. Only those of us who dare to be as aggressive as our male counterparts unfortunately get heard. So as my client suggested, I will be resting myself in preparation of the next trial date. Unfortunately for my adversary I will be taking two much needed vacations prior to the next date! I should be in great form mentally and physically...and more importantly I will look marvelous!
Merry Christmas to all.

2007-11-27T14:52:00.001-05:00

Hello Chappaqua NY

As a native Long Islander, I never heard of Chappaqua NY until the Clinton's made it their home about eight years ago. On my website I have a meter which tells me how many people read my blog and where they are located. It doesn't tell me who you are but looking at it allows me to fantasize as to whom may be reading my blog. Unlike other blogs of this type, my blog doesn't seem to attract the type of readers who like to comment, much to my disappointment. It would be great to get a dialog going and hear some opinions like my friend Blond Justice's blog. She can write about a rainy day and get at least six comments after she posts. I know I have written some controversial stuff on here occasionally but I do so in the hopes of starting some discussion. Most times I am disappointed.

Now seeing Chappaqua NY of course I fantasize about the former President surfing the web and happening across my blog. With a population of roughly 9,468 I guess it is certainly a possibility that the one person from Chappaqua to visit my site was one of its most famous residents.

Knowing that many of my clients,( and I found out my client's spouses) read my blog it would be nice to see a comment or two.

By the way, back to Blond Justice; an interesting comment from my paralegal the other day made me think...she said that now that she is single and out there dating again, she notices that whenever she is out with her blond friends that they always get a lot more attention. I must admit that being a blond I also feel that I receive a lot more attention now than I did when my hair was darker. Maybe therefore I need to add that little tidbit to my blog. After all, you don't know that I'm blond from reading this blog as you do with Blond Justice..and she gets much more attention than I do. So look for something new that I intend to add advising the reading public of my hair color. Apparently it makes a difference. By the way if it is you Mr. President out there reading my blog, please tell your wife I am very impressed with the way she is running her campaign and woman to woman she has done a lot to crash through that glass ceiling....and that is from a registered Conservative! One doesn't always have to agree politically to appreciate another woman's achievements!

2007-11-19T01:53:00.000-05:00

My Christmas Wish List

Dear Santa:

Just one year I would like to celebrate the Holidays without a trial in sight. For the umpteenth year in a row, I am prepping not for one but for three major trials all set to go around and before the holidays. Sandwiching Thanksgiving between back to back trials is always fun, but to put one a mere ten days before Christmas is down right cruel. During this time Santa, I am unable to watch my weight because I have an insatiable urge to eat pasta constantly; I am unable to sleep because I dream of new questions to ask the litigants on the stand and I am unable to finish my Christmas shopping because for some reason the Sears online site has inexplicable problems and won't allow me to sign in.

Santa maybe this year, you could bring me a look alike double who can step in for me at all the double bookings my children have arranged for me this year. As class mom I haven't even thought of the Christmas party I will need to attend and plan for my daughter. I have four teacher conferences to attend this week provided the judge allows me the afternoon off to meet with them. Can I also ask for a chauffeur to cart my children around to all of their events so I no longer have to write my blog entries at two am when they are all asleep.

Oh yeah, and Santa, a personal chef would work for me also. One who could cook more than pasta so that I could actually watch my weight instead of trying constantly to whip up a fast meal for my family and juggle all these other things in the air.

Finally, as long as I am on a roll here...how about a year filled with healthy happy family time..nice memories and at some point if it isn't asking too much a good book and an ultimate pina colada.

2007-11-08T12:15:00.000-05:00

Mediation Re-visted

It has been a while since I have blogged about mediation and thought with the Holiday season fast approaching a mediation blog would be in order. First I think it's important to clarify that law offices are covered by the canon of ethics and must adhere to these canons during all steps of the mediation process. In my office in order to have a mediation consultation BOTH parties must be present. I never want even an appearance of impropriety where one party says that I gave out advice to one party over the other. If in fact someone comes in for a regular divorce consultation and chooses later to come back as a mediation client, I will advise the spouse that a separate consultation had taken place and ask if they are still comfortable proceeding with the mediation consult. Also neither I nor any members of my staff will ever discuss any matters pending in my office(or even potentially pending) with a non party. This is a stead fast rule which is based in the canons of the legal ethics which I mentioned earlier.

That being said, let us examine why mediation is not a more popular forum for divorcing couples. First the parties must both want a divorce. In most cases, one party is resistant while the other party is ready to dissolve the marriage. When one party is not willing to move toward the dissolution mediation will not work. The other reason mediation is not as popular as it should be is that both parties must be willing to compromise. Many times couples will seek independent advice and not want to bend after being told what a court of competent jurisdiction will most likely rule. Of course the big part of this equation comes down to the question of money. How much are parties willing to pay to reach a divorce agreement and do they want to litigate for years or come off their positions and decide their own fates, as opposed to have a completely uninterested party decide for them while paying thousands and thousands of dollars.

Mediation is really the most humane and civil way for a couple to end their marriage. Combined with counselling it is the most cost effective way to dissolve the marital relationship. Unfortunately, it still remains unpopular in our jurisdiction. Perhaps for much the same reason that we still of one of a handful of jurisdictions left that does not have no fault divorce. Once society embraces the concept of divorce not as a failure but instead as a way for parties to move on with their lives, perhaps mediation will become the "divorce route" of choice.

2007-11-01T12:16:00.000-04:00

What is an Annulment?

I am often asked about annulments and how they differ from a divorce. One of the biggest differences is that in order to seek a divorce a couple needs to be married for a minimum of one year. An annulment has no such requirement. Annluments however require a higher degree of proof and corroboration wherein a divorce does not. A divorce is the dissolution of a marriage while an annulment makes the marriage a nullity, as though it never existed.

The grounds for annulment are as follows:

1. If either spouse is incurably incapable of having sexual intercourse, the marriage may be annulled.
2. If one of the parties is not over the age of 18 years. A marriage between persons under the age of 18 years may be annulled, at the discretion of the Court, if the spouse under 18 wants an annulment.
3. If, after marriage, either partner becomes incurably insane for five years or more, the marriage can be annulled. However, the sane spouse may be required to support the insane spouse for life.
4. The parties must knowingly consent to the marriage. It may be voided if either spouse consents to marry as a result of the force or duress of the other spouse; or either spouse cannot understand the nature, effect and consequences of marriage.
5. The marriage may be annulled where the consent was obtained by fraud, provided the fraud was such that it would have deceived an ordinarily prudent person and was material to obtaining the other party's consent. The fraud must be such as to go to the essence of the marriage contract. Only the injured spouse can obtain the annulment on lack of consent. One such common example is where one party tells the spouse prior to the marriage of their intent to have children and after the marriage claims that they never wanted children and only said same to induce the spouse in to the marriage.

If the man and woman come within the exceptions above, the marriage is void and a declaration of the nullity of a void marriage may be obtained in the Supreme Court. The effect of such a declaration is to legitimize the children and to dissolve the marriage as a matter of public record, and to provide for support, maintenance, equitable distribution of marital property, insurance, custody, visitation, determination of separate property, counsel fees etc. It is also more difficult to get an annulment as opposed to a divorce. It involves a higher degree of proof and many times corroborative evidence from other witnesses is required to establish grounds.

The effect of a civil annulment does not necessarily pave the way for a religious annulment. In the Catholic Church, an annulment is a declaration that after investigation, flaws were discovered in the marital relationship that prevented it from becoming a marriage. The religious annulment does not "erase" the civil contract, and does not render the children illegitimate. It merely states that after investigation, the church has decided that a marriage was not valid. Grounds for a catholic annulment vary and can range from psychological incapacity to refusal to have children to psychological immaturity.

In the interest of expediency many times annulments are rejected in favor of a more easily provable and faster divorce proceeding. The result remains the same, the ending of the marital relationship.

2007-10-10T13:59:00.000-04:00

Rantings of a Mad Lawyer/Woman

I am a Met fan. I have been since Reingold was the sponser of the Mets. I have been a Met fan all my life and have never rooted for any other team. I am, however, married to a Yankee fan. Unlike my spouse I cannot root for his team ever. When the Mets do well my husband gets excited. When the Mets lose he calls them names. I leave in a house divided 2 Met fans; 2 Yankee fans and 2 little kids who claim to be both. As adults we know you can't ever be both. Some day they will have to choose, until then they root for whichever team is winning that year. Most years they are Yankee fans. As I tell my son though, "You gotta believe," and there is always next year.

By the way, what is up with the President of Columbia University?? Did he really think insulting a terrorist before he allowed him to speak make us all feel better? Why is it this Terrorist with a title was allowed to walk the streets of OUR AMERICA? Why was it that he was allowed to insult our intelligence by saying there are "no gays in Iran" that "women have more rights in Iran than they have here in America."? I beleive the problem begins with the fact that we house the United Nations here in NYC. Frankly we aren't a neutral nation so why is the United States the site of the UN? I think the UN would be better suited in Switzerland, the self proclaimed neutral nation. Let's get rid of the diplomats who cause us nothing but aggrevation with all of their self immunities and opinions of our country. Interestingly enough the opinions they are free to express here would in many cases get them killed if expressed in their beloved homeland. So I say to the group of wannbe Presidential Candidates: Here is an idea for you....Oust the UN. Yup kick them right out of here. We have housed it long enough. Time for another country to feel what it is like to host the world of nations and get abused instead of thanks.

AAh a light at the end of this rant...the Yankees are out of it also!

2007-10-01T10:43:00.000-04:00

The First Monday in October

I told my staff that anyone who knew the significance of today would win a prize. The responses I got ranged from anniversary guesses to birthdays but no one realized it was the opening session of the US Supreme Court. I always dreamed of being present at the opening session but their schedule and mine seemed to always be in conflict.

Listening to a discussion on court tv today an expert of sorts was asked whether they thought cameras in the court room would ever become a reality. The expert said as one may have thought the jurists are loath to have their sessions turned into a media event. Of the three branches of government, a distinction many of us forget, the court is the least public friendly, and with good reason. They do not owe their position to the voting public, so they do not play to them the way the other branches need to do. Their jobs are for life, a fact which I have always thought was a bad idea. One commentator suggested that the congress was considering passing a law which would force the court to open its doors to the media; an idea which can quickly be countered by the court who can rule it unconstitutional!

The justices are set to tackle an array of big issues. They include the legal rights of Guantanamo detainees, the constitutionality of lethal injections for executions, photo identification cards for voters and investors' struggle to find accountability in cases of fraud. The court could add a blockbuster case to its calendar if the justices opt to take a Second Amendment case from Washington, D.C., that would test limits on the right to own guns.
In their first week, the justices will hear arguments involving the disparate prison terms given people convicted of crimes involving crack versus powder cocaine.

At the end of the month, the government will ask the justices to overturn an appeals court ruling that struck down a provision of the main federal law against child pornography. The lower court said the portion in question criminalizes merely talking about illegal images.

Another closely watched case is a challenge to Kentucky's lethal injection procedures. The court blocked a Texas inmate's lethal injection execution last week, indicating that the Kentucky case could produce a broad statement about a widely used method of execution.

The court also will wade into electoral politics in a few cases. The most notable involves the requirement that voters produce photo identification to cast a ballot.

The issue has a sharp partisan edge. Republicans are pushing voter ID laws as a way to reduce fraud. Democrats say those laws are intended to discourage poor, minority and older voters who tend to vote for Democrats. The case almost certainly will be decided before next year's general election.

There is no indication that any justice intends to step down before the 2008 presidential election, although there is much speculation that the next president could have several vacancies to fill. Let's hope the next president chooses to add more estrogen to the court and bring with it some younger blood. Considering women represent 51% of the population it would be nice to see that percentage reflected in the judicial branch for a change. May I remind both sides of the aisle that there are qualified women representing all political viewpoints and it is time they break through the second branches glass ceiling. More over Pelosi you may be dealing with a female majority in the court if the stars align correctly this November. We can only hope.

2007-09-27T14:26:00.000-04:00

LA Law

I want to practice criminal law in Los Angeles. I want to represent only celebrity clients in Los Angeles. I will win every celebrity criminal case in Los Angeles. Every celebrity defendant does. There was an interesting conversation on Court TV this morning discussing the LA prosecutors horrendous record in prosecuting celebrity defendants. If you are accused of rape and or murder in LA and are a celebrity your changes of acquittal are excellent. Do the rich really have better lawyers defending them? Absolutely. Do they in fact hire the best experts money can buy? Absolutely. But I believe there is another factor involved in these cases. It seems that the average juror is woe to put a famous person behind bars. OJ, Robert Blake, Michael Jackson, and now Phil Spector all treated very kindly by the folks in the LA jury pool.

Personally I think a change of venue is in order and that all of these beautiful people should be tried right here in Suffolk County NY. We have very expensive attorneys here on Long Island and could certainly put together a very nice dream team for the next celebrity murder trial. Alas, however, Los Angeles is now the place to maim and murder young innocents if in fact you are a member of the elite celebrity sect. The most that will happen to you is that you will be forced to live a quite unassuming life while you lie in wait for a chance to kill or maim your next victim. Perhaps you will even write a book telling the public how you actually effectuated the killings. The only saving grace in all of this craziness is that ultimately these murders will be judged in a forum where their wealth holds no sway.

2007-09-20T14:40:00.000-04:00

Criminal Minds

In a recent conversation with my partner, "The Crim-Maven", we found ourselves in complete disagreement about the highly visible cases of celebrity criminals in the news. My partner, the expert in all that is criminal explains to me that the Paris Hilton's of the world are getting the same treatment that many other incarcerated women are getting in that the sheriff was well within his rights to let her go early for "the nonviolent" offense. In a previous blog you all of course read about my views on that subject so I won't repeat it here. Now, I am aghast at the resurrection of OJ and the dead lock in the Phil Spector case.

Is it that the juries in California are so completely different than those here in NY? Of course we all know that when a case goes to a jury it is tantamount to rolling the dice in a Vegas casino, but does the craziness have any bounds?

How can a jury not convict that nut Spector? Did they recycle the OJ jury and use them again?? Is it that the rich have better lawyers than the common criminals here in NY? I don't think so, I saw some of the Spector trial and was not impressed with his legal representation. I really thought this case was a slam dunk. But then again I thought the same about OJ. Well as my partner says, I will stick with the divorce cases and leave the criminal minds to him....

2007-09-12T11:52:00.000-04:00

Liquid Gold

This was an especially sad week with the loss of Luciano Pavarotti. Reading some of the many news articles on his death I was surprised to read that outside of his home town in Italy, the rest of Italy did not have the same appreciation for the maestro that we here in America had. True, he was divorced and in all likelihood cheated on his wife beforehand with his mistress and he fathered a child out of wedlock. The Italians also felt he was too much of a showman. Citing what they feel is the austere dignity of the opera he played with celebrities too much for the liking of the opera aristocracy. What the Italians fail to mention however is that he was a very philanthropic man. Each year he put together concerts with famous names and faces and donated the proceeds to charities. He also did many concerts for our troops overseas and helped many many charitable causes.

Pavarotti's voice was liquid gold. His renditions of the opera greats was unprecedented and as an artist and humanitarian he should be highly revered.

Yes, I thought some of his theatrics a bit over the top, but his heart always seemed to be in the right place.
May he rest in peace.

2007-09-06T11:23:00.000-04:00

Way more than we needed to know

This week I learned how a gay man picks up another gay man in a public restroom. Frankly, this was a topic I never gave much thought to, but once it was brought to my attention a number of scenarios flooded my head. First of all I have two teenage sons who go to the men's room unaccompanied on a pretty regular basis. They have on occasion gone to the men's room of certain airports though we have never been to the one in Minneapolis. What if Senator Craig had been in the same men's room as one of my sons and he started with his foot tapping or "accidental foot touching" as it was referred to by the Senator. Would my kids ignore this code? Would they get nervous if a hand came under their stall? Or an eyeball peeking into the crack of the metal divider?? Now that Senator Craig has educated us all about how one picks up another man shouldn't I relay this information to my boys as a warning of the kinds of things that may happen in a public restroom??

I am appalled at the fact that this is yet another issue that parents must address with their children. Not that I believe that the majority of gay men find companionship in this way, in fact I am sure they do not. However, it is clear that there are some sickos like the soon to be former Senator who are still unsure of what their sexual preferences may be and feel that the public restroom is the place to experiment with these feelings.

I am even more appalled that we continue to elect the kind of people who are eager to get on a soapbox to condemn members of our society who may walk to the beat of a different drummer, but in fact operate their own lives in such as manor as to offend us all. No need to wait for the 30th of September Senator, your services are no longer required.

2007-08-26T08:07:00.000-04:00

Express Jail time

Yesterday we drove to Sears to get an "Express" Battery change at the "Drive through." This of course turned out to be somewhat of a misnomer, we certainly were able to drive into the garage but the express part was a 2 hour wait for installation of the battery. But this is New York. I hear in California wait times are much different and according to the latest celebrity justice article(what a great name for a magazine by the way)Nicole Richie served less time in jail than it took us to get our "Express" battery at Sears.

According to the sheriff's statement, the current sheriff's policy is that non-violent female offenders sentenced to 30 days or less are required to be booked and released within 12 hours. Miss Richie according to the sheriff was "treated in the same manner as other inmates with a similar sentence," and her release was "based on her sentence and federal court guidelines."

I guess all of the clients my firm has ever represented were not considered non violent because all of them have served more than 82 minutes when given a 30 day sentence. Perhaps the Federal Guidelines the sheriff talks about in his statement only apply to celebrities in the California court system.
Does the sheriff like being seen as soft on celebrities? Since a lot of what he has done is really discretionary, is it the case that this man doesn't know how to use his discretion? Perhaps he likes the negative press he gets. To some people any press is good press.

You can be sure that 82 minutes is less time than it takes Nicole to get her hair done or to get a manicure and pedicure, so I guess with a little planning we could all fit some "express jail time" into our schedules.

Again one of my favorite quotes comes to mind..."All the animals are equal, but some are more equal than others...."

(ok readers, impress me do you know the author and book that quote was taken from???? )

2007-08-18T07:32:00.000-04:00

Five Friends Every Woman Should Have

This is a great piece I thought I would share with you all....who are your five??
By Michelle Burford
"Friends are the family we choose for ourselves," writer Edna Buchanan once said. I consider the "family" I've gathered—with five kinds of pals I count on for completely different things—among the wisest choices I've made. If you can find even one who embodies any of the characteristics that follow, you can consider yourself fortunate.

1. The Uplifter
This woman's favorite word: yes. You could tell her you're trading your six-figure income for a career in offtrack betting, and she'd barely pause before yelping "Go for it!" Don't you need someone who looks past the love handles to notice the extraordinarily gorgeous you?

2. The Travel Buddy
When the hotel in St. Lucia is a bust, one characteristic becomes all-important: flexibility. This agreeable companion need not be the girl you traded pinkie swears with on the playground; it's enough that she's comfortable with quiet (between gabfests) and is a teensy bit mischievous (as in tequila after midnight).

3. The Truth Teller
Intent is what separates the constructive from the abusive. Once you've established that the hard news is spoken in love (not in jealousy or malice), you'd be smart to seek out this woman's perspective.

4. The Girl Who Just Wants to Have Fun
One Saturday a pal and I—and yes, we're both over age 12—pored over every glitter lip gloss in a drugstore aisle for an entire 45 minutes. Forget the crisis download (for that, see the Uplifter); this partnership is about spontaneous good times.

5. The Unlikely Friend
"Each friend represents a world in us, a world possibly not born until they arrive," Anaïs Nin wrote. My friends—some twice my age, others half, some rich, others homeless, some black like me, others Korean, Mexican, Caucasian—have added richness to my life that only variety can bring.

2007-08-15T12:42:00.000-04:00

What About Made in America??

The rash of emails I have been receiving this week from a well meaning sibling has caused me to want to rant and rave at toy manufacturers like Mattel and Fisherprice and say "Why aren't you making these toys in America?????"

I think every parent should be sending protest letters to every major American Company demanding that they take some responsibility for the manufacturing of the items which they sell for our children. First the dog food then the tires and the seafood and toothpaste and now our children's toys. Why isn't American industry waking up to the fact that perhaps it is time to invest in ourselves?

As an employer I can tell you my opinion as to why this is not happening. American workers expect salaries which force big manufacturers to outsource the work to foreign countries who pay their workers much less than what is expected here in this country. This of course would require one of two things to happen: first the public would have to expect to pay more for the product and/or large corporations would have to make less of a profit.

I have had prospective employees walk into my office with literally no experience in the field of law with one woman telling me she was unsure if she could successfully type a letter, but demanding a salary of $40,000! I do not think that this is typical however across the country and would venture to bet that there are workers out there who would accept minimum wage pay if it were available in manufacturing plants in this country. These plants should perhaps take the place of the old ones which were forced to close down when we decided to increase our imports from nations that do not have anywhere near the safety requirements or standards that have long been established in this country.

As a parent, I am willing to pay more for items made in America knowing that my child is better protected and less likely to ingest something we found out long ago was harmful. We claim to be one of the wealthiest nations but sometimes in our quest to be frugal we forget that we should be more vigilant in demanding the same level of responsibility and accountability from others that we demand of ourselves.

I say give us the opportunity and we will buy American!